I know that I am the only one who can help myself. I understand that positive thought patterns have to start with me, and that I need to overcome negative thoughts and negative ways of thinking. I have a few minutes during the day where I can really understand this and then I lapse back into feeling awful about myself, thinking I am a bad, selfish person. I don't deserve happiness. But I need to push through and try for the people around me that care about me.

I keep wanting to reach out and cling to anyone for reassurance, even people I hardly talk to on a regular basis. I feel like if I just talk to the right person or get therapy or something somebody will give me the magic answer and all my problems will be fixed and I will figure it out. I don't want to be alone with myself.

I feel selfish because my Grandpa needs me right now to help take care of him in Florida and all I want to is run back to NY. But there wasn't anything there for me, either. I felt like I was sad all the time and just upsetting my family because they couldn't understand why I was still moping around all the time. I try hard to put on a smile and be normal. I don't feel like myself. I look in the mirror and feel totally disconnected. I feel like every interaction is forced.

I want to sleep all the time, I look forward to the end of the day because then I can sleep and forget everything for a while. I start panicking as soon as I wake up.

I think if I found a job or volunteer work I'd feel better if my time and mind were occupied but nobody wants to hire anyone for just a month (that's how long I will be here). I feel so trapped. I don't want to upset my grandpa by being depressed around him but it's a very small apartment.

The days seem to follow a very similar pattern. I wake up, am feeling terrible until the afternoon where between 1-4 or 5 o clock it reaches it's peak. I cry a lot. Or try not to. And then after about 5 or 6, usually I start drinking (not excessively, maybe 2-3 a night) and then I just feel numb. Even if I tried to think bad things, I just feel relieved and don't think about them. Maybe because I know soon it will be time to go to sleep and I will feel better.