Hello. I'm sorry you feel this way. I can relate to a lot of what you've written. First of all, don't worry yourself further by wondering if there is some unknown mental illness going on in your head. That will only make you feel worse. You are depressed. You have been diagnosed as depressed. Leave it at that for now. If a doctor diagnoses you with something else some day, so be it, but do not start driving yourself further crazy by wondering what else is "wrong" with you.

Speaking from my own experience, and I am not saying that this is definitely what is going on with you, but I think that much of my sadness and loneliness comes from a feeling of not really liking myself. When I am not comfortable with myself, I can't expect others to be comfortable with me. It's like you said when you went to the party you know that nobody wants to talk with a sad person. It's good that you had a friend who encouraged you through your sadness via text. I think that you got sad about bonding with your crush because he was not focusing solely on you. This is another problem that I have had in the past. It is very draining on relationships. You want the sole attention of that person. I know how that feels. In my case, I was so insecure that if I was not getting my boyfriend's full attention I would imagine that he didn't love me, that I wasn't worth his attention, that nobody liked me, etc., etc., until the thoughts spiraled out of control. Then it would leave me depressed.

I can also relate to the feelings of worrying of ending up like your parent. It is scary when you see similar traits in yourself as you have seen in them. To cope with this I've been trying to remind myself of my parents good traits, what I do like about them, and what is good about them. And I try to see these things in myself rather than the bad things. And also remember that no matter what, you are your own person. You are not doomed to being exactly like them, or failing in the same ways they have.

Obviously your mother should not have blamed you for her troubles. And you are not to blame. It is hard enough coping with your own feelings, but then to be made to feel responsible for another's is only more difficult. Don't blame yourself. You can only be responsible for your own feelings.

Good luck.