I agree with pachyderm about there being alot "wrong" with society. Then when I really think about it and consider human history, well, when has there not been alot wrong with society?

unhappyguy, I can relate to your "bitterness" and how you don't want people giving you advice that is "inconsiderate of you", like "take care of your mother" as if your life has to be "all about duty" somehow.

I think the hardest thing to get rid of with PTSD is "anger". I can understand how you would feel that "therapy" doesn't "help" you because most likely looking back and discussing the pieces you have about yourself that have now been basically thrown on the floor in front of you to sort through only make you "more angry". Yes, I know that well myself.

I am dealing with my daughter right now who is also challenged by this too. She is dealing with alot of emotional challenges resulting for finally breaking away from an eight year relationship and her ex is still connected to her because of a vehicle that is in both their names, but only in her name on the financing. And he is failing to keep up with the payments and it is just a mess. It is too long and involved to get into here, but what I see in her is "alot of anger" and it doesn't seem to matter to her knowing the "whys" either because it doesn't take the "anger away" and I have been challenged with that myself.

Right now I am trying to really think about how I can "help" her with this challenge tbh. I sure don't want her to keep holding onto something that, as you and I know, only eats away at the soul and disrupts the capacity to move on and try to still have a productive life.

What I can say though, is that one day when I was out taking care of one of my crippled animals, which is a constant inconvenience and source of anger for me, I heard my neighbors talking and laughing and I began to want to yell at them, tell them how much damage they did to "my life" because they were so selfish and lazy. I could feel myself swelling up with anger and this time I thought about how I was "choosing" to allow the anger to get to me. I thought about how I was hurting myself by doing that, by allowing it to happen. Then I said to myself, OE, how about not letting yourself do that today, do you think you can see if you can try that? When I did that I thought about how much "anger" upsets my body and how I often don't know what to do about it when I keep feeding into it so I get all pumped up and disabled. So, that day I let go and made a decision to not let "anger" build up in me.

To my surprise, I did pretty well with it and I managed my day much better too. That is when I began to recognize that I can make a choice about deciding that I do not have to respond with anger.

Well, I am not "anger free", I do still struggle, however, I am paying attention and trying to change how much I unknowingly give myself permission to be "angry". I am thinking about the brain and how it "learns" and how, if we do something over and over, the brain tends to get hardwired to a point where we can do something without even thinking about it. I also have recognized that with this PTSD, I can exude anger without consciously deciding to actually be angry. In other words, I have had situations where "anger just popped out of me" before I even had a chance to think about it. I am sure you can relate well to that.

Well, I am going to work on it more, and I know it is going to be a challenge. But, I am going to try much harder to relearn how to consciously make a decision "not to be angry". When I do that I am recognizing what I have unknowingly decided to be "angry about" and how even society has encouraged me to attach anger as a result of certain experiences or how others treat me, even disappoint me, or do things that end up making "my life more challenging in some way". Yeah, I know, not such and easy task. But you know what?, I really want to get better, I really want to have some kind of "control of my life, or how I am affected by things". So, even though it is a challenge, I am going to try it.

I cannot go back or change anything about my past. Yeah, I have had flashbacks and dealt with so much I never dreamed possible. I have looked at it, I have recognized the "ignorance" of others that resulted in me being "very challenged and even victimized", but there is no way I can change any of it. All I can do is see the whys, and how it affected me in ways I didn't know, and finally make a conscious decision to live my life as best as I can from now on. And I know I will always have a PTSD that will make me more sensitive and I am going to be challenged. But, I am going to keep learning and growing and doing my best to manage my emotions in "healthier ways" for "me".

I guess, what I am saying here is that I can say that because things make me angry I will forever be challenged and will forever be an angry woman. Or, I can decide to work on it for myself instead. I can say, oh, that wont work because of all the damage that I stuggled with, that society is constantly going to at times disrespect me. Or, I can decide to finally just think about "not" letting that happen instead. I can realize that my brain "can" learn to do that, just as it learned "how to be angry".

Just some food for thought, how you want to consider it is up to you, your choice. And this post is not invalidating you in anyway either. I know the challenge first hand in my life, it will be different from you, but I know the challenge of anger. And it "is" tiring, so lately I am working on slowly not letting myself "feed into it" and instead, consider that because my brain "can" learn, why not try learning "not to feed into anger", what I have I got to lose? some anger? well that sounds ok to me.

OE