I have this too pachyderm. It was "really bad" in 2011, the year I joined PC. My posts were long and like a speeding train sometimes. I didn't even realize it until a very nice member pointed it out, a member who also is challenged with PTSD. There were times when I would write out posts and then later or the next day read them over and I noticed that I tended to "repeat" as well. I also noticed that I often left out words and at the time didn't even see it.

In therapy, I would begin to discuss a challenge and then remember other experiences that also pulled into my thought patterns and discussion. It was often hard for my T to follow along, and there was never enough time somehow. Sometimes I felt like I was just reaching an important part and time would be up.

When I came to PC, I didn't talk that much about myself at first, what I did instead was focus on the questions other's asked and then I would post my thoughts. Yes, it took me time to think and write out my thoughts one step at a time. I know that what appeared didn't always reflect the extreme effort it took on my part to put together a post.

I didn't understand "what was happening" to me, I was very scared outside PC IRL. (I have to think clearly in order to survive) YES, that is how it feels, just how it feels, "I have to think clearly in order to survive". And that is how PC helped me every day. I was trying very hard to figure out how to find my way "back" to being able to do that. I worked "very hard" at that every day at PC. YES, I could see how that connected to my childhood too, and it was "very confusing" for me too pachyderm. So you are "not alone" pachyderm, someone "does" understand the challenge, and yes, it is really hard and even "scarey" I agree.

What I "can" say is that I have been able to make some "gains" and I have even noticed it in my writing here at PC. I don't miss as many words, and I can think one step at a time much better. I do tend to lose track of time while I work at it, and I also noticed that it tends to take alot of my focus. I can always see how if my husband is around or interupts me, it affects my posts and I can lose my way sometimes.

I have to admit that I still tend to get anxiety after I post. It is as if I am waiting for someone to "hit me" or get "mad at me" for something. That is from years of "abuse" and from people challenging me or wanting to dismiss me somehow. It was not me, it was due to their issues unfortunately, and I still experience it because I still have some of these people around me IRL. I have been working very hard on that with my T, who has met my husband and see's how he can be a big challenge for me.

I cannot change others, I can only change how I react and how it can aggrivate my PTSD in ways I didn't realize before. I can say that I have been slowly "gaining" and "improving", and I admit that it is often alot of work. And yes, my family and others do not understand how I am challenged this way. I know that is hard and often lonely. But I keep working at it and I "am" gaining more and more.

So, keep trying because you "can" improve and you really "are not alone", me too.

OE