Quote:
Originally Posted by bubsmiley
Hamster,
You raise good questions. Ones that my T has been trying to get me to see for a while. I know he has obligations in the marriage that he's not meeting. (we don't have children ... by design. I knew he was not stable or mature enuff to be a father). I've been enabling him for years - the not working, endless expensive hobbies, drinking/drug use, porn - these things have been around since the very beginning of our marriage.
It obviously says much more about me that I've put up with this for so long. I've been working very hard in therapy over the last 14 months, and have come very far. In part, that's why I'm realizing now that his behavior is unacceptable to me. He thinks of me now as harsh, not-loving and intolerant. The rest of the world still thinks I'm a pushover, since I allow him to live this unburdened life.
In December, I went to a divorce lawyer. I told H about it and he demanded one more chance. Though my brain did not want to give him that one more chance, my mouth said okay. He's been a mess since then, the threat of the big D is hanging over his head and making his anxiety tons worse. Because his anxiety is so bad, all of his symptoms are exacerbated.
Now onto the question you asked about the Good Wife. I made a vow to and before God that I would remain married 'til death did we part. My friends and T have all said, "but he's not living up to his end of the bargain." And they are absolutely right. He isn't. BUT, does that give me license to dishonor that vow?
It was easier in December when he was still getting drunk every night and his temper was outrageous. But he has quit drinking, tho a self-acclaimed dry drunk, and he has held his tongue so that he doesn't rage around me anymore. I want to be happy about this, but I think I am so far gone that all I can think about is "well, isn't that great. Now I have no more excuse for getting a divorce"
He is so charmingly manipulative that I get sucked in every time. I went to sleep at midnight yesterday ... before he was ready to have sex ... and therefore he pouted all night and slept on the couch. This morning, he continued pouting and I was codependently miserable (though I didn't act on my misery). I wanted to make it all better for him and hate when he feels bad, but I'm reminding myself that he owns his own feelings and they are not mine.
I'm sorry I went on so long. I wish I could just make up my mind and do it - either stay and be fully committed or go. But I just seem to waffle...
Bub
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Am so sorry to read of what's been happening, and kudos to you and your therapy giving you strength.
I'd like to say a few things tho, if ok. You talk about when you went to a divorce lawyer, and that set of your husbands anxiety. I bet it did. If you left him, that would mean that finally, he would have to grow up, get a job and start looking after himself, instead of leaving it all to you.
You say that with his recent change in behaviour, that the drink has stopped his rages and that this doesn't give you a reason for a divorce anymore. I think you should listen closely to what you wrote after, that it no longer makes you happy, and that you're too far gone. With all the things he does (and doesn't do when he should), the rages sound like just one of many reasons to divorce. And the best reason of all? Your own happiness. It seems to be that you are sacrificing that every day and that makes me so very sad. We only have one life, and surely 10 years of this is enough for anyone?
I understand not making vows lightly, I really do. But there are many reasons why that anyone, including God (if you are religious) would understand if you did divorce. I do agree with sacrificing a lot for the greater good, but am afraid, sacrificing it for a husband who doesn't seem to value what you give him, or you as a person, just isn't the greater good. You made the vows in good faith, and it's not your fault that things turned out the way they did.
If you are really having trouble making up your mind, have you considered giving yourself a time scale? I think that it can help some situations. Like yours - say if that things do not improve considerably in 3,6 or even 9 (whatever seems right for you) months time, then enough is enough. At least this way it can help you make up your mind, rather than drift from month to month, year to year, and still be unhappy. I take it that your husband is now fully aware how you feel, and if he is going to take you and your marriage seriously, then he must do it now.
Good luck, and I really hope that you get to have some happiness soon. You sound so very kind (too kind!) and I always think nice things should happen to nice people.
Hugs.