Thank you all for your comments. They have given me much to think about and are very helpful.

I can see now that what started out as a healthy D/s relationship morphed into something through which I have lost sight of myself. I have been carrying around a lot of guilt and thinking that if I tried harder, perfected my attitude and role as his sub, then everything would finally be ok.

While I was in the middle of it all I just kept trying harder to make it work.

The tricky thing for me is that by nature I like to help and support the people I care about and tend to see the best in people. My outlook on people is that one never knows what another is going through, so it's better to err on the side of generosity of spirit.

Having read all of your comments and thinking through all of this I can understand why my actions can be construed as going overboard. To be perfectly frank I'm terrible at setting boundaries and have a really hard time sticking up for myself when it comes to people I care about.

Another thing that has affected all of this is that I was diagnosed with Asperger's last month. I know it can be a catch-all diagnosis, but for me it is a spot on diagnosis. One of the biggest challenges I have in life is that people and their actions don't make a lot of sense to me. Hence asking for the perspective of others. I've been called naive and guileless because I start from the assumption that people will be honest and non-manipulative. Needless to say I am often taken advantage of.

What I'm starting to understand is just how much the Asperger's affects my life. On one hand it's nice to put a name to it all, but on the other hand I have absolutely no idea what to do about the diagnosis.

Another challenge is that because of being laid off last year I lost my health insurance and haven't been able to see my psychiatrist in more than a year. (I was diagnosed with Bipolar I many years ago. I am 100% medication compliant and am vigilant about getting help when I start to feel off. Before I lost my insurance we found a medication regime that compliments my own efforts to stay emotionally stable with the minimum amount of side effects. Even though I've been dealing with the job loss and all the financial issues related to that, my mood has been stable enough to return to school to train for a new profession.

I had felt for some time that I needed to develop better ways of interacting with people and the world because what I had been doing just wasn't working. Before I stopped seeing my Dr. we were going to add cognitive therapy to the mix so that I could learn and practice better coping and social-interaction skills.

Between school, my ex, and my poorly-paying but necessary part-time job I could feel myself starting to go under a bit and could see that the rapid-cycling, ups and downs, irritation and hypomania that in the past preceded a significant Bipolar crisis were starting to manifest. That's why I started to look for another way to connect with people and to ask for advice. I'm learning more and more that what may seem and be obvious to others absolutely allude me. So while I can't see my Dr. for now I decided that rather than just isolate and wallow I would reach out to others who also face physical and/or mental-health issues. To learn from the resources and people on this site to support myself in what I hope will be a positive journey as I gradually take the steps toward learning and practicing new life skills. Also if anything I share or inquire about might be helpful to others that would be really great too.

One positive aspect of having a name for my traits is that now can see the many ways Asperger's affects me, my actions, and world view. Being able to call a thing what it is is a relief because now I know that my frequent lack of comprehension isn't a sign that I'm defective, but it is on me to find different ways of interacting with people.

Thank you again for your thoughtful and thought-provoking feedback.