Well, I made it to the religious service. My cousins were - surprisingly - glad to see me. It was nice to honor the relative who treated my late dad the best. She was always a kind person and her children are just like her. I discussed some of my issues with my cousin's husband who is very level headed. He encouraged me to find a job and to put myself first. I was able to put aside my anti-religious feelings during the ceremony by thinking of my aunt and my dad.

Sadly, when I got home, my PTSD flared up again. I have been reading a self-help book and, while the advice is sound, I am unable to let go because my last two employers - who really increased my PTSD through constant abuse - continue to give me bad references and prevent me from working. And, in addition to having little money, I do not seem to make any progress in my personal life and am very, very bitter about that too. My life does not appeal to me at all. My problems overwhelm me. I don't have the skills to have a love life or friends.

I told my cousins tonight that I need to find a new career - I never found my calling. I don't seem to have one. They assured that it's never too late. I don't know about that. But, for certain, I have to do something else. I have no idea what. I have consulted with professionals about it - to no avail.

I was raised by neglectful parents. There was intentional deprivation and a lack of nuturing. In the past, Ts told me that I had to reparent my self. Finally, with my last T, I told him that it's not possible to parent yourself because I don't have the life experience to do so. And, the disadvantage when you have peers with parental help is great. He agreed. All of my siblings suffered from my emotionally sick and inept parents. The scars are not healing. In fact, they just seem to be growing deeper. The harder I try, the more hurt I get.