So I am in a relationship, with a girl, and it has been very hectic on my end, at least. So yeah, I guess I'll explain.

So about a year a go I was in a relationship with another girl and I was completely infatuated. She was having a lot of family issues and I guess I pressured her into a relationship she didn't want to be in. I was so desperate and scared she would leave that I did a lot of things I'm not particularly proud of, like threatening suicide, self harm and anything that would make her see me as a victim and force her to stay. In a way, I guess I groveled and it sickens me to think I'd stoop so low. I guess my paranoia eventually pushed her too far and she did leave, but not without me stooping to an even lower level and bringing some of her family issues into this. I don't know if I am just a monster or if relationships make everyone desperate, but I wasn't the most graceful.

Anyway, I guess I should continue. When she left I was distraught, I tried to get her back in the most bizarre ways by constantly playing the victim. I guess an example might help. So yeah, one day I was so desperate to get her back that I had cut myself about fifty times and used it to soak into my clothes, that way I could make a scene and get her back. I look back on that now I have no idea what I was thinking. Two suicide attempts later and a dozen near attempts and my world just stopped. I wasn't going to school or leaving my home, I was just lying in bed all day and sleeping for an unbelievable twenty hours a day. I guess I'd just given up.

Then my only friend who stood by me was supporting me so much, I was feeling better every day and things were going okay. I was telling her everything and I very dependent on her. But then she asked me out and everything changed, I suddenly couldn't be me anymore and everything I went from being supported to supporting her entirely. She became utterly dependent on me to the point that I am her self-esteem. I can't be me because everything I do will affect her in some way, so I've found that I'm spending every day just being fake and pretending to be in love with her. I regret agreeing to go out with her because now I'm in a situation where I can't leave. She only has me and I don't know how emotionally stable she really is, if I leave it could hurt her too much. So I don't.

But as time went on I became a little more accepting of the relationship and I'm trying to make it work. But we both bring some very serious problems to the table and it's killing me trying to fix it. On my side, I'm constantly depressed and almost always feeling numb and empty. I am paranoid and controlling, I don't like it if she does anything that I didn't allow like arriving five minutes late or not answering properly. So really, I'm a control freak as I dislike emotions and constantly try to keep them at bay. So I'm emotionally distant and it's really hard trying to work past that. On her side she is extremely dependent on me, she doesn't want to do anything and just wants me to look after her and act like we are in a perfect relationship. We're not. She never listens, she never offers any support, she bursts into tears if I stop pretending to be perfect for just a moment, she doesn't return anything I give.

I have a lot of anger and I am without a doubt controlling, but I do everything I can to keep that inside of me and for a long time I have. But it's at the point where I'm so overwhelmed that the smallest thing just sends me into a rage and I hate that, I don't want to hurt her at all. I don't know if she's really unsupportive and selfish or if I'm just so paranoid and self-absorbed that I expect the best that she can give. I'm trying so hard to make her happy but I don't know what to do.

So I guess I have a few questions, is she selfish or do I just need to relax and get of my high horse?
Should I even be in this relationship?
I don't want to hurt her at all, she is the sweetest girl and I just want to make sure she is okay and keep her from harm, but that's hard to do and I'm far too tired. So any help would be so appreciated. Thank you in advance.

Also, I'm so so sorry for typing so much. I'm not really thinking.