It is good to hear you did go to the service after all, and that you did have some "positive" and "supportive" imput from people there. I like how you can talk about or recognize the little positives that happened in that outing instead of the things you didn't want to experience or didn't connect with somehow.

As far as not knowing what you want out of life, feeling lost and not have an idea of what you want to be or what your niche in life is? That comes with PTSD unhappyguy, that isn't "just you". It is "normal to PTSD sufferers" to feel the bottom of their core dropped out and that there is no fire or sense of direction somehow. It is also normal to PTSD sufferers to feel like their core is very fragmented and lost and that no one will understand it. It is "normal" to hold onto anger about just that too and that is a big reason "why" there is such a strong desire to "withdraw" and "avoid" so much.

I just want you to know that the challenges you are discribing are the "hallmark" challenges that come with PTSD. Yes, it is so hard to explain to others how incredibly "magnified" challenges are with PTSD.

I have alot going on in my family right now and soooo much challenge. I have to admit that I hate the fact that I am facing so much and I am only just beginning to be able to level out some with the PTSD. Any contact with my family tends to bring about the "negetive messages" that are a part of my "core issues" that I have, through therapy and flashbacks etc, become very aware of. Yes, I can really pick out the "negetive messages" that hurt me more than I realized in my past. My older sister is "really hard to talk to" because she was "dismissive" to me many times, and it goes all the way back for me. It took alot of time and "hard work" with therapy and even PC for me to even be able to hear her voice and talk to her. She is four years older than me and it was always "her way or the highway" and "she needs to be the control figure". It is hard to be a woman in my fifties and talk to her feeling like I am a little girl because she is so "condescending" and does treat me like a child still. It is normal for me to talk to her, then have anxiety and PTSD challenges afterwards. So I can relate to how you felt once you got home from that event. I just want you to know that that is typical with PTSD and it isn't "just you".

This "lack of identity" feeling is very predominant with PTSD. And it is normal for people who are struggling to feel like other people just wont understand it, and tbh, they don't. It is also "normal" that when we try to express whatever we do have and experience some kind of negetive feedback, "anger can come in like a flash".

What I posted in my last post is my effort now to "know the PTSD" and how I am slowly working on "observing" myself and slowly giving myself permission to learn how to "not feed into it, or give it control over me".
This is "not" about pretending or putting on a "false face" either. It is very privately working on learning how to give myself permission to recognize the anger and actually "try to disengage it" purposely. And that was the "first time" I even entertained the thought of "acknowledging" the anger I was feeling, recognizing that I do have alot to be angry about, but making a conscious decision to "try" to actually work on "not allowing myself" to entertain it and give myself permission to "feel it and keep feeling it". And, it is "not" about "surpressing it either". I "did" acknowledge it, and I "did" recognize how I was allowing myself to "unknowingly feed into it" too. All I did was agree to "experiment" and see if I could actually choose to make a conscious decision to "let it go" and do my chores without it.

I have to say, that was a beginning for me because "all on my own" I discovered that I could "control it". And I know that if anyone told me that I could do that or that I needed to control my anger, I would have become more angry and felt "invalidated" because the "anger" in PTSD is very strong and it "does" take over. Honestly, if "anyone" suggested anything to me about "you gotta "just" get a handle on it", wow, that would have really made me "mad". And, I would have walked away thinking how disrespectful that person was and that they "just don't get the challenge of PTSD and how hard it really is".

I would not say what I have said here to anyone in my family either. I would not want to hear any kind of "I told you so" because I am far from being able to "have control over it" and "it is alot of work for me still". What I am saying here however, is that I am encouraged that I did manage it, I didn't know if I could do it. I also know that by continuing to "try" to work on this, I don't want any kind of "pressure" because it "is" going to be a challenge for me. I am just very encouraged that I "did" do it, so it gives me alot of hope.

OE