thank you both for the replies, they made me smile a bit.

i do like my therapist, however i don't know how much we accomplish. some things he says are helpful, other things aren't. my therapist can't prescribe medications, but maybe he could refer me to someone. otherwise i can try looking in to it. i've tried three different ones in the past, each had side effects i couldn't handle and then i quit trying. i've considered possibly looking into it again, i'm just a bit weary of medication.

i definitely know alcohol is no good. i used to depend on it quite heavily. i've always had problems in social outings and groups, and alcohol helped to make me more talkative. however, i have no ability to moderate and it typically drove me to doing something embarrassing or stupid. i hadn't drank for months before the other night when it was like a switch in my brain happened and i thought it sounded like a great idea. ultimately ended up doubling the horror of it all by messaging people i don't actually want to speak to (and who don't want to hear from me) on facebook, one of the strong downsides to social networking. that embarrassment is just one example of a lot of things i continue to relive - i wish i could remove those thoughts from my brain! haha!

journalling might be a good start. perhaps it would fortify for me what places i should avoid or what i should avoid if i don't want to repeat behaviour that only makes me feel badly. it's unfortunate that i have problems trying to speak to other people, i'm naturally a bit more reclusive. however, it all builds up and i so badly want to go out and do something... which is where going to a bar is something very easy to do.