Tinyrabbit, well done for writing this all out. I hope it can help you to stand unwinding the complex tangle that is life and sort through it in order to move on.
I appreciate that no two lifes are the same, but our stories are remarkable similar in some ways.
I'm actually in a really similar place to you in some ways at the minute. I too sorted myself out, learnt things my own way and moved on but am also still bearing the weight of my past and it is beginning to show.

I'll expand..

My parents were also fairly hopeless. My mum is and always has been all over the place. She has absolutely no back bone and it pisses me off. I'll never forget the time I had all my friends round and I could hear smashing and shouting and I looked out my window to see my dad speeding off in his van and just thought '****'. I went downstairs and my mum was just standing there washing up, surrounded by a kitchen that had been smashed to pieces by my dad. I just thought what the ****? How you just ****ing stand there? But thats my mum.

She's one of those people that everyone thinks is lovely and nice but its like they say, its always the quiet ones. I dont trust her. I remember once bickering with my brother on the way to school so she just let go of the wheel, clenched her hands in the air screaming and said we might aswell drive in to the lampost. I grabbed the wheel, she calmed down and just dropped us to school as normal. As though nothing had happened. I cried at school and said my mum wanted to kill herself, my friends didn't know what to say. I sorted myself out and went home and it was like nothing had ever happened.

She still now is very hard to deal with and understand is always preventing me from the getting the help I need. She needs help too, but I'd never tell her that! She just doesn't understand mental illness in the slightest, even though I've been unwell for some time.

My dads been violent, angry etc. but thats just him. Me and my brother were used to it and dealt with it and since my little sister was born he hasn't been so bad and I dont mind him. I can forgive my dad for everything he's done because it kind off made sense in its own weird way. However, its my mum I can't stand.

My brother had to move out when he was 18 because of 'safeguarding' issues. He's never moved back and we hardly speak. Its **** because he's the only person that was there with me at the time. But he just doesn't want anything to do with me, probably because it reminds him off the past.

We were past around a lot as kids. Mainly because my dad was busy with work and my mum was more interested in her horse than us. Everyone just argued and it was crazy. My Nan was AMAZING. She was my favourite person in the whole world. She'd bath me and brush my teeth so I wouldn't get bullied at school. She'd show me a glimpse of what a real childhood was like. She'd stick up for me and defend me. But she'd only have me two days a week cause she had her own life. Which was ****. I owe my Nan the world cause she saved me from so much.

I'd also have to spend a lot of time at various aunts and uncles etc basically anyone who would take us. This is where things get messy.. I don't like to go into it too much because I still havent really got my head round it. One of my older cousins used to abuse me. She'd make me and her younger brother do 'stuff'. She'd also use me herself. It was horrible. Noone understands it because she's not that much older. They don't get it. But for me, I think it makes it worse. Its just even more pathetic. I couldn't even stop someone who wasn't much more than a girl herself from abusing me. Its just messed up. I have no idea if anything ever happened between my brother and her as he too is older than me. But my brother also did stuff to me on one occasion. Then one day he pushed himself up against my back and asked me whether he felt big. I felt sick. Thats why my brother got moved out.

The last time she abused me was when I was about 15/16. Thats disgusting. I should have been old enough to stop it by then. But I didnt know what to do. Paralysed by my old childish fears. My other cousin was in the room but he just pretended to be asleep. It makes me feel sick.

When I was 14, I too self harmed. I took an overdose and was in hospital for a couple of days. Following that, I was on a no sharps policy. So I also started beating myself up. I'd break my own ribs and as soon as the bruise faded I'd do it again. There was something really symbolic about my ribs but I still dont know what it is. I used to prefer this because it was much easier to hide than cutting. Then about 2 months later I got a pair of scissors. I slit my wrists and overdosed again and was hospitalised for a week. This was when I mentioned what had happened with my brother. I never said anything about my cousin because I was too scared.

So they thought it was my brother. Noone believed me. I spoke to my male cousin who'd been involved and my older cousin, the abuser, found out. She went mental. Turned it all on me said I was a screw up making up lies. Said I was accusing my younger cousin of abusing me and how would that work he was too young etc etc. So yeah everyone thinks I'm just messed up. I'm still too scared to say it was her. I think that was why she did what she did when I was a bit older. She hadnt abused me in ages I think as she haddn't had the opportunity. She was really out of control this time. It was quite messy and the threats after were quite horrific. I think she knew she'd gone too far. But I was still too scared to tell.

Then, similar to you. I thought **** this. I'll just do it for myself. I sorted myself out. Excluded myself from my family. Slept rough, did what it took to get by. Passed my qualifications, got into uni etc. My Nan was too ill to know any different I hardly really got to see her anymore which SUCKED and when I did she couldnt really have a conversation anymore and my Grandad looked after her.

I had quite a few issues with men, I let people walk all over me still as I knew no other way. It just got worse and worse and I built up more and more issues for myself. Then my Nan had her cancer operated on. Her dementia was ten times worse and I went to see her and she was so vulnerable. I was scared for her. So I cared for her for 9 months until she died.

When she died I was overwhelmed by all the anxiety and depression I'd buried for so many years. I had anxiety attacks all the time, my depression was unbearable. I tried to struggle on with medication but got worse and worse.

Then, I met who I thought was an amazing guy. For 2 weeks, I was happy. Then it all turned to **** like everything else. He sexually assaulted me after a night out. Looking back, all the signs were there. Everything I thought was him being nice wasn't. At first, he'd try and force me to drink, swapping my cokes for vodka and cokes thinking I wouldn't notice. Holding my head and puring drink into it. Bit ****ed up I know but I didnt see it.

He'd stay sober with me on nights out I thought out of kindness. Looking back, maybe it was because he knows what he's like when hes drunk. That night was awful. It was horrible. He said sorry the next morning. For a few days I thought its okay its fine. Then I got worse and worse and thought **** its really not. I told him to leave me alone as he was becoming a bit of a stalker and after a while he did.

Since that night my anxiety has increased ten fold. I don't want anyone near me. I can't stand people being behind me. I don't like the sound of people breathing. Just everything overwhelms me. I can't sleep, nothing. I think it has just knocked me right back to where I used to be.

I miss my Nan, I want to grieve her and move on but with all this going on I can't.

This is such an essay for a response and I know it doesn't help you much, but I thought I'd share it with you as I feel there are a fair few cross overs. Youre the first person I have spoken to who also used to hit themself.

OH and btw, so many people have said to me I dont need therapy and I should just 'get over it' and things like that. But there ridiculous. Just focus on number one. We both know we need help. Don't let anyone or anything get in the way of it.

If I had a penny for every time I'd said 'people have been through worse' I honestly would be a millionaire. Thats not what its about. You've had **** in your life and you have more than the right to complain. Dont worry about anyone else worry about YOU.

Its taken me a long time to work the above out for myeslf but you will. And if you're anytihng like me, it wont be until you've knocked one wall down that you see the next. Especially when you're trying to work through the past. But trust me, you'll get there.