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picklewheeze, thank you ever so much for responding to my post. I just sent you a friend request, I hope that’s okay. I’m sorry you have a similar story, but glad you have managed to find some way through the fog.
This, here, that you say about your mother: “She's one of those people that everyone thinks is lovely and nice” is exactly how I feel about mine. Everyone is taken in by her. Everyone thinks she is so nice. Recently I stopped and asked myself why and I realised it’s how she says things. But when I listen to what she says, it’s a different story. Everyone else is taken in by her but I’m not.
My T has helped me to see that my mum doesn’t choose to be like this, that she genuinely doesn’t realise what she is doing. I don’t feel any better about it, because it works for her and not for me, but I am coming round to the idea that this is her way of coping with life and she doesn’t know what she’s doing. But I still don’t know how someone can listen to their own child cry and just talk over them even when they put their fingers in their ears and scream: “Would you please just LISTEN to me.” She never listens.
I’m glad your nan was so wonderful, but so sorry about everything else that happened to you. I’m sorry people hurt you and didn’t look after you. It’s not fair and it’s not right. You’re not pathetic at all. Have you heard of something called agency? It’s a term I learned in sociology, and it basically means the ability to act for yourself. You didn’t have the agency to protect yourself, nobody taught you how, nobody taught you to value yourself. It wasn’t your fault. Abuse is NEVER your fault. Easier to say to someone else than to believe, I realise.
My T told me in a group thing he did in training, they all wrote what they thought were their most shameful secrets on cards, anonymously, and the group leader read them out, and nobody thought anyone else’s was shameful. And then he told me he thought the problem with that exercise was that it perpetuated the idea that anyone should be ashamed by these things at all.
I don’t think many people realise how impressive it is to somehow keep going, to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I hope you are proud of all you have achieved. I want to be, but I don’t let myself. Don’t apologise for writing an essay. It’s not about whether it helps me. I like to think we’re all in this together, supporting each other, and it’s good to talk, and to feel like we’re not alone, and we’re not the only ones who ever felt this way.
You, too, are the only person I have spoken to who hit themselves. I haven’t told my T, I told him I used to SI but not how.
Please remember what you wrote here: “If I had a penny for every time I'd said 'people have been through worse' I honestly would be a millionaire. Thats not what its about. You've had **** in your life and you have more than the right to complain. Dont worry about anyone else worry about YOU.”
If possible, please print it out and frame it. Because it’s true.
(((hugs)))
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