yeah thats the things isn't it. When I was younger, my hands were tied. I would honestly have given anything to admit to my feelings but because it wasn't confidential I couldn't. Now its become a habit and I still find it really hard. I've always been really cryptic and I have a tendency to imply things rather than having the guts to actually say anything. But slowly its changing.

I don't know whether you feel the same. But for me, its like every copy mechanism I've ever put in place is still there. But it doesn't work anymore. I'm in a new world now, where I have the opportunity to talk and seek help. But inside I'm still that fourteen year old girl who couldn't do anything. I'm not an adult, not at all. Whenever people ask me how old I am it takes me a while to work it out, in my head I always INSTANTLY think I'm fourteen. Its like I'm stuck there.

Trigger warning on this: How do you feel about like the hitting thing? Don't feel you have to answer. I just wonderered whether you'd ever considered if there was any significance to it, or whether it was simply you didnt have the opportunity to cut (I dont know if you did or not). For me it was better. It was prolonged and it hurt all the time. I could feel it there all the time. Everytime I moved every breathe I took it hurt and I think I liked it. It meant I was carrying around the physical pain rather than the emotional pain. If I could cut myself and it be healed the next minute so no one would ever see it, I probably do it all the time.

Yeah, thats one my mum is like as well! I completely know where youre coming from. Noone can ever understand why I can't tell my mum anything. But its like you say, its there way of dealing with it. I think my mum is just in complete denial about everything. I havent got the strength to get her out of it. She'll have to do it herself, I give up supporting her.

Sometimes I'd rather she wasn't there at all. Either she's there and supports me or she just leaves me to get the help I need. Rather than her hanging over me.

I think it will take me a LONG time to work through the muddle of emotions I have from my childhood and the abuse, but thanks for your really kind words. They honestly do mean a lot. I would just ask that you also read them yourself, because you say things like 'you won't let yourself' do things etc and believe me I know exactly how this feels. Ive done nothing but hurt myself for years and its like I just know I dont deserve to be happy or loved or nourished because I'm a wrong person. But you just have to think **** it I do.

Please please please 'let yourself' be happy. Because you can be, your taking every step in the right direction and you will get there.

I agree about people not being impressed by us carrying on. At the moment, I've been signed off my work. My work involves me going to some really high-stress and hard situations and currently I've been told its not in my best 'emotional interest' to carry on. I have 6 weeks to sort myself out. When I told my parents they were so unsupported. They said why what are you doing whats so hard about it? Just buck up your ideas and carry on. You can't just 'buck up' anxiety, depression and probably some elements of PTSD from my recent assault. But they don;t understand. Ive always been the one who coped. I looked after my mum, I looked after my dad when he was so drunk I'd have to roll him on his side to stop him choking on his own sick. I brought my sister up so her life could be better than mine. I cared for my Nan, I care for my Grandad. I got all the abuse. I'd rather take it myself than let it happen to someone else. Probably because I think I deserve it, I deserve to feel ****. I know youre gonna tell me I don't but that just how I feel.

I've never been allowed to crumble, to cry. Every single time someone abused me I'd lie there and take it. Id never struggle, I'd never cry. I'd just take it. So now everyone thinks I can handle everything. But the secret it is I can't. I just want to crumble and cry and not have to carry on. But I can't. But now I have to. I have to stop for these 6 weeks and TRY to sort myself out. I just wish my family had a CLUE what was going on in my head at the moment. But they dont any then never will. So I'll do it alone, again. But hopefully get better this time.