"I wished I was so I'd have something to show for how I felt." So I think that's the answer. Also, I had this idea that unless someone beat me up I had nothing to complain about. Not that I showed anyone.

That is exactly the same as me. The weird thing is, I'd hide it really well. But a bit of me would half hope someone would see. But then not ask me about it. Just that they'd know, someone would have a vague idea of what I was going through. Its hard being on your own, it really is.