..whatever it is?... whatever the substance is?

this is a phenomenon I have noticed maybe I'm not the only one?

it's no lie!... I am allergic to my mind in it's 'natural' state!

but?...but!!...I just cannot escape from it any more...and for a while now.

it's only alcohol these days and it's been only alcohol for 4 years now...

but I just cannot blow my mind with it!...get really drunk...get really out of it!

lose my mind!....attend to my allergy!

today I payed again... a stupid price for another box of what is considered a strong beer... and I may as well be drinking water!

I want to lose control..I want to let my emotions explode I want to let my pure disgust and overwhelming love for life and the living... manifest!

it's always been this damn way..!!
the survival instinct is so powerful so strong...

the body the organs the brain the insane the same...
nothing happens!... sure there is an effect but the spirit remains intact the truth within the real self the one I'm so scared of treats me like crap by wasting all my deliberate attempts to destroy it!

nothing works it never did and it's not working right now

I cannot count how many times I risked my life....with the intention of dying...and the experience just passed me by like it was a strange dream...and I'm not the type to leap off buildings or bridges...I never wanted to be unrecognisable...

so this beer tonight?...it tastes like water

and?...sure I'm disappointed!....and yet?...
I'm not surprised