hello, i'm K. first let me apologize for how long this is, but i'm trying to get all the facts out; although i'm sure i'm still leaving out a billion things.

i'm having alot of trouble right now, because i can't stop battling with the idea that i have dissociative identity disorder. i go back and forth, from genuinely believing it to thinking i'm crazy for even once believing it, and i really wish i had a yes or no answer as to whether or not i have it.

see, i can't remember if i ever questioned whether or not i had it before i started seeing a particular therapist, who believes that i do have it. i've been in therapy ever since i was 8 or so, and i've gotten diagnosises from clinical depression to social anxiety to bipolar to borderline. but i just don't want to be convinced by a therapist that i have something that i don't, and i can't be sure one way or the other.

i'm currently in therapy to try to regain knowledge of what really happened to me, because i know i have a history of sexual abuse, but i can't remember when or by who (although i have suspicions that it was my father), or even how i came to the conclusion that i have been abused. i even doubt the fact that i was abused sometimes, because i figure if it really happened i would remember it. but who knows.

i tend to be a paranoid person, and i can't seem to shake this denial that i only believe i'm DID because of my therapist; he's seen over 150 DID patients, so sometimes i think he might jump to a conclusion without it being true. although we didn't even discuss the possibility of DID until recently, i've had the feeling that he thought i had it even before it was spoken about, and i guess i wondered too. he never really pushed the idea on me or anything... i think i pushed it on myself more than he ever did. at first, he only mentioned that he thought i might have a dissociative disorder, and it wasn't until i researched them and found out what DID was that i started to think i had it.

i'm constantly battling in my head over whether i hear voices or not, because this is the way it's always been for me and i don't know if it's normal or not. i never considered that i actually "hear" voices, i know i hear my own voice, and sometimes i do "talk to myself", but i'm not sure if it's in a way that other people do or not. sometimes i think i'm having conversations with myself, and sometimes i think it's all in the realm of normality. the way i would describe how i hear my voice when i'm thinking is like when you're watching a movie, and the character is thinking to themselves. i don't know if that's really "hearing" it or not, since it's not really a voice i hear from the outside, through my ears.

as far as dissociating, i'm not really sure if i do it. i don't really "lose time" or black out, but my days do blend into one another, making weeks pass by feeling like it's only been a day or two. but i still remember what things have happened during the week when people remind me, although i do have a bit of a hard time remembering things on my own. i never meet people who i don't remember, and i usually remember things in detail once people remind me of them. when i'm in therapy, my visual perception tends to change at times, making me feel like i'm looking out through the inside of me, or like i'm watching a movie and that it's not real life.

i just feel so normal... this is me... and i have a hard time believing there's "other people" in me. i mean, it's all ME. but i feel sometimes that there's shards of myself that make up me, but then i think that everybody has "shards" and this can simply be attributed to an eclectic personality. sometimes i feel different than how i usually feel, i.e more childish or more confident or completely lacking confidence, etc. but i don't see these "mood changes" as seperate entities, i think it's all me. i also wonder... wouldn't i know FOR SURE if this was something i have? i mean, it's been a serious possibility in my mind for a while now, but i still don't know for sure. and if there are others in me, i don't know their names, or who fronts, or even who I am (am i the "original" K? Am i always fronting, or am i hidden away in recesses of my mind at times?). i feel like me, the person who is typing right now, is always here, always in control. but for me to have DID, wouldn't someone else have to take control once in a while?

i'm so confused. i don't know what to think, and i dont know if i'm having an ovverreactive, hypochondric imagination, or if i'm just in denial when i think i don't have it.

I'm sorry this is so long winded, but i had to get this all out.

is there anyone here with DID who could share their experiences in figuring out that they had it? Did any of you go through the denial that i might be going through, or did you know right away? Do you think that if i even have to question whether or not i have it, i really don't? could anyone tell me what some of their "symptoms" are? anything you can share would really help me out, because i'm going crazy with all the back and forth and the constant consideration of this. there's not an hour that goes by that i don't argue with myself over whether there's others in here or not.

if there's anything you can think of that might help me know for sure what's really going on with me, please share.

i greatly appreciate your spending time to read this, and hope to get some responses. thanks so much, in advance.