After 4 days of being in the same house and bit speaking my wife wrote me a letter. I may post the letter later, but it basically said how much pain she is in and how she now realizes what she had. She also said that she would rather die than not have me in her life. She doeesn't know how to go on. She says all she wants to do is cry, hut she wont't let herself do it in front of me because she doesn't want to cause me anymore pain.

We have been sleeping in different rooms since all. I went into talk to her. We talked for a few hours and I told her that I want an equal in the releationship. There are things we both need to work out in our lives. I need therapy to deal with my depression and she need to find a job and pay off her debts. I said I was willing to go through marriage counsling but it will take a lot of work to fix what she has done.

I want a gesture from her that she is commited to making this work. Somethings than is more than just words. She has to find a job and start taking control of her own life. She has to find what in her life gives her fulfillment and start doing that. We are both getting older and our needs are changing. I want to work andbe sucessful in what I do. I also need someone in my life that I implicitly trust. Excluding this community, I have openly talked to 3 people in my life about my depression, self harming and family issues. Two of this people have an ethical obligation to secrecy and the other was her. At the time I was being completely open and honest about who I was, she was violating my trust with her reaction to this other person. I told her that hurt me so deep I didn't feel anything for a few days.

I said I was willing to try and work these issues out, but it will be a difficult journey. It will take me a long time to trust her again. I don't even know how to rebuild trust after this.

On a different note I feel I may have messed up. We also had sex yesterday, and this morning and with plans on it for tonight. I still love her and I still enjoy sex. Is it wrong to have that right now? The sex was different this time compared to the last couple years. I felt like she wanted me and that she wasn't just laying there to let me have my way. It is very confusing and difficult right now.