yeah thats what I mean.

A couple of months ago I agreed to go back to my doctors and be put on the waiting list for counselling, because I realised if I didnt start to help myself, noone would help me. I was fed up of leaning on my friends. But now, I'm doing this for me. I want to get better. I need help, I know I do. Its taken me sinking to an all time low, but now I can see it. I hope that this drive will continue to drive me until I am on a step where I can stand safely and look back down to where I once WAS. Yeah WAS.

I think its easy to regret things, but whats done is done. I held my Nan until she died and I can honestly say it was the worst experience of my life. She looked AWFUL and I only stayed with her because she looked scared and I didnt want her to be alone. After she died I left, I couldnt stand being in the same room. She looked like a dead person. On the day of her funeral, I was offered one last opportunity to see her body before she was cremated. I'd say no til then but my Grandad had been and he said it was worth it she looked a lot better than when she died. I asked my friend and she said would you not rather regret going, than regret not going? She said if you go, you can leave. But if you don't and she's gone its too late.

So I went. She looked beautiful. She held her hands how she used to and looked content and peaceful and safe. I wanted to stay there forever. I will never forget going to see her and I will never regret it. I love my Nan more than anything still and I am glad I have that image to remember her by rather than the last.

Guess what Im trying to say is try not to regret or beat yourself up. I try my hardest now not to give myself anything to regret, but obviously there will always be things in life its hard not to regret. The thing is, so much in life is out of your control and I think its foolish to regret things that are out of your control. I still have LOADS of self hatred, self blame and really strong emotions about the abuse in my past. But I wouldnt say I regret it, because I couldnt have done anything different. And what I did at the time, to just lie there and take it, was my way of 'dealing' with it. I cant change it. And if I'd fought I think it'd still be the same.