You have so many issues, depressedgirl, that you aren't even sure of their priority. This denotes both you extremely depressed state and your immaturity. Add your confussion over gender choice and you need to slow down, give yourself a break. You're not ready for the commitment of marriage--no reason you should be. Figure out who you are and what sort of life you want first. And who you want to share it with. No rush.
Be good to yourself.
roadie