Hello K,

There are lots of ways of dissociating. For me it's just spacing out, so deep in thought, or just staring at nothing, and not really being mentally present. Someone might come along and ask what I am looking at or why I am staring at them, and I didn't know that I was. It isn't difficult for someone to get my attention and bring me back, but I probably don't have any sense of how long I was sitting there or what I was thinking about. I had a repressed memory of abuse also, and the first times that I remember dissociating were at about the same time as that memory.

Some people experience it at not being in their body - like things can happen to them, but they are an observer and don't really feel like something is happening to them, particularly during a traumatic situation. Some might be in a trance-like state while they are doing things.

I also have conversations in my head with people who are not there, or even with myself, but usually I imagine that I am talking to or explaining things to a specific person.

DID is when you feel like there are parts of you that are not you, but that take on a personality of their own. I guess there are different levels of this. Some people don't actually have DID, but may have distinct parts of their personality, that they are aware of and acknowlege as all being part of themself, but certain feelings are associated with each subpersonality. One theory is that DID was actually created by therapists who encouraged clients to give names to these various feelings that they experienced. I'm not sure about it, myself, but I'm sure that it seems real enough to people who experience it. Some people with DID report that they might be absent (in other words they dissociate) for periods of time and are not aware of what they are doing while an alternate personality is in control. To me, it all seems to follow, and I'm not sure that it matters what we call it or what is really happening. It sounds like a difference in severity of dissociation to me.

One thing that I think is true of anyone who dissociates is that something has been traumatic enough to that person that they felt unable to deal with it and escaped from it by dissociating. They might go numb, experience events as if they are not really a part of the event, or create or section off parts of their personality to protect themselves.

I don't know what your experiences might have been. You will remember when you are ready to. I hope that your therapist doesn't push you too fast to remember, because therapists have also been known to suggest memories that are not actually true also. But it sounds likely that there was something traumatic that happened to you at some time. I hope that this helps you a little. I don't really have any answers, but thought I would share what thoughts I had about this. Take it slow and easy.

Take Care,
Wendy

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