James,
have you spoken to your family about just how badly you feel and asked for support? Sometimes our families know that we are hurting, but not to the extent. Part of the family role is to support its members during hard times. If you have already spoken honestly to them, I'm sorry if I've hit a sore spot. If not, have a sit down with them.

My depression started in the fifth grade. For years I had no real friends, no emotional support. I thought my parents were oblivious to what was going on and shut them out. It wasn't until my late twenties that they found out just how bad things had been. I'm in my late forties now, and have to go to them for financial support occassionally, which is embarrassing, and sometimes for emotional support. They never knew the problems because I never told them how bad it was.

There are parts of life that seem as though we are inside a black, soundproof box. No one seems to see or hear us. Friends drift away and don't want to be around someone who is depressed. We all have that to an extent, some worse than others. There are days when I can't imagine living another day like this, but the next day comes anyway. Even though I do have good parents, they are several states away. Here, I have one very good friend, but there are still many times when depression overwhelms me and paralyzes me. Its hard to start going again.

There really isn't a substitute for a very good friend or family, but you need to have some sort of emotional support system. Even if you have tried before, find a therapist who can help you work your way through this. Having trouble and losing your way is nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn't mean that you are weak or incapable of giving and recieving love. All it means is that you need a guide.

When you are very depressed, its hard to think let alone actively seek out friends. For the time being, let us lend you support. Its not the same as someone sitting with you or close human contact, but realize that everyone understands what you are feeling, because we have all either been there or are still there. Start looking for a good therapist who can help you with some coping skills and find the answers to relieving some of your pain.

Just because you are haing problems doesn't mean that you aren't important or that no one will ever care for you. Right now you are ill. Its no different than a physical illness except that its emotional and harder to deal with. I know how hard it is to have to find help when you feel like you can't even get out of bed, but to find your way out of the dark, you have to start walking. You are right, there are some things you will be alone with. That is the time to do some honest soul searching. You can come out the other end. We will be here when you need us, and I think once you start getting help, opportunities will present themselves to you. Please let us know how you are doing. I wish there was something more I could do for you than empathize.

Sam2