Adam, often sex is the only true bond that holds you together. It is a time to rebuild and connect. It is a time that builds bonds. And I feel like that is ok if you are both capable of sex and the outcome is positive. It shows you where true feeling lie. Let me tell you to much info for a sec. My H and I have been doing T for quite awhile and we finially had sex. The kind where you both want to. It was the first time in at least a year maybe longer that it was actually "good". That is promising, that the relationship is moving forward. There may be light at the end of the tunnel. Sex says alot about things and situations that words can't begin to describe. So in my eyes the fact that you guys had sex and willingness from both of you says something about things being salvageable.

Let me say people can change. In regards to my H and me it has looked bleak. So many people have said once an abuser always an abuser, people don't change, an so many ohter things. But w/ 2 months shy of a year, marriage T is finally helping. We just graduated to every other week. So it can be done. No one else can tell you what to do or make the decision for you. Yall have to do what is right for your situation.

As far as your questions. That is a lot of thinking. You put alot of effort into those.
The very first question threw me.

If you had to create a short list of people you could spend the day with, would your spouse be on that list?

My H would not be on that list. No I would not want to spend my day w/ him.
So that tells me I still don't know where my relationship is headed.

I have been reading a really good book though. One that might give you some answers. To good to leave To bad to stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum.

I hope you guys can both go together for T. If she is unwilling then she is unwilling to change and give things a chance. Best of luck my friend. I feel for you. You are in a terrible place mentally I know. I would not wish this kind of torture on anyone. Know that my thoughts and prayers go out to you both.