I woke today with a pregnant stomach. I thought I had moved past these distortions but apparently not. Taking a shower was pure agony as every inch of me was exposed, and I couldn't get away from it.

I go through CBT worksheets and my endless supply of "when you feel ____, do this!" notecards. Yet, I am still pregnant.

I know that I am not. My stomach is not bulging out and I am the furthest thing from having rolls, yet my eyes and mind deceive me. I actually see rolls! I will never understand how this is possible.

And it's not even that I think larger sizes are ugly. I have never thought that. So I don't even understand why I am so afraid of it. Actually, I do. I am afraid of being out-of-control, and for some reason my mind and emotions equate "fat" with "out-of-control". Bizarre how my mind tricks me!

So, I continue to run through my affirmations, my verses, my worksheets. I act opposite and dress "up" even though I work from home. And, today, I post to PC to see (hopefully) that I am not alone in this. Maybe I am. Even so, I am choosing to ride this out today and not "act out" this feeling with my deceitfully-trusty ED. It will not win today, but boy is it ever trying.