Hey Orion....
The lure of si is a hard thing to break....it serves so many purposes on so many different levels.....I hear your struggle....I've yet to find an alternative....it 'just doesn't make any sense' at some points in my life....so I've had periods of no si...not many in the last 22 years or so....I don't know where the answer lies....I hope that maybe knowing that someone else has understanding will help....Know that I am pulling for you with much empathy and compassion....especially compassion...that's what we need to extend to ourselves and our bodies.....not easy, though.
Take Care...
--Angie--