Thank you all for making this safe space where I can share.

I had a rough weekend and I'm still recovering from it/trying to figure out what it means.

So I get lonely and insecure very easily... this weekend I was meant to take it easy at home because I had a minor medical procedure done on Friday. Saturday I was feeling ok physically so I planned to go visit my friend's art show that night at 8pm. But during the afternoon I was looking at Facebook and seeing everyone I know doing things with their friends, and at the same time I also emailed my friend to see what he was doing Sunday and he said he had plans with friends, so I started feel really insecure and inadequate. Why don't I don't have anyone to invite me anywhere when everyone has people inviting them places?

I emailed my friend J looking for consolation. You may have seen me talking about him on here before, but I see him as someone who's always got my back. ie he was the only one who emailed me Saturday morning to see how I was feeling after my procedure. But he didn't respond the way I wanted him to and I was already in a really volatile state so it made me crazy...

His response was "What happened to being positive?" and it sounded like an accusation when what I wanted was empathy because I was feeling down. (In the past I did rely on him too much so I know he's sensitive to these topics.) He accused me of trying to make him feel guilty for having friends but I think that's his own fears being projected onto me. Anyway I felt distraught that he wasn't kind to me when I was feeling down...I really wanted to tell him that I felt hurt but I knew I shouldn't do it while he's out having fun with his friends...so I waited til the next morning. but no response

I'm starting to become open to the idea that going to your friends when you're depressed and asking for them to cheer you up isn't ok behavior...but at the same time I can't see why it's so bad. When someone responds in a way that makes me feel worse I want to tell them... but it looks like I'm not supposed to do that either?

Then I was talking to a female friend about it this morning, and at first she was supportive, but when I told her I wrote to J that I had felt hurt by the way he responded, she got very short with me. She said people don't like being accused of things...but I never intend to accuse people, I just want to talk about my hurt feelings...I know the other person isn't hurting me intentionally so if I let them know their response is hurting me I figure they'll want to stop?

It actually feels like life or death when I'm really upset and no one is comforting me... I guess that's my abandonment issues. As a small child when you're neglected it actually is a matter of life or death so I guess those childhood feelings come up in these situations and it feels the same.

It's just so hard having people being mad at me when I'm already in a bad place. more hurt on top of hurt, it seems like too much to bear. But when I get into one of those insecure "no one loves me" kind of moods the feelings are so overwhelming and all I want is some reassurance from someone. Calming myself down when I'm in one of those moods has never seemed like an option... It's been eating me apart having to wait a few days until I can see J and talk to him about what happened...