So yesterday was mother's sunday.

I don't normally like family occasions because my brother is there and I can't stand him. He's stuck-up, egotistical, pedantic and above all arrogant. I suffered a lot of grief from him through my life and he used to beat me up which is one reason (among others) he got kicked out of our house years ago.

Anyway I made a real effort to be a good family member. I took through everyone's food for my sister (who was hosting the family meal for the occasion), cleared the table, brought through chairs for people that had nowhere to sit, etc.

During the main meal was the first blow. Not only did my brother get arsey and argumentative with the rest of the family members, he also made a dig at me by saying sarcastically "You must be so proud not having a job and being on benefits" when I was attempting to be positive when talking about reapplying for a driving license (was rejected on medical grounds due to bipolar when I first applied) and talking about a job interview I have this week.

I sort of managed to get that off my mind and move on.

Then when we went to leave my sisters and go home, I said "I might go and do an open university course" and immediately my step dad (who only EVER speaks to me to criticize me) said: "Oh can you do those when you sleep in until 3pm and are as lazy as you are?" and then my brother joined in the attack and I felt like the bulls-eye of a dart board.

I just walked out. I couldn't take that. Everyone speaking over each other, my step-dad and "brother" talking about me being lazy and never getting anywhere.

Then my step-dad, mum and nan pulled up beside me when they left and were going home (by this time I had walked about a mile away from the house) and told me to get in the car. As soon as I got in, it continued and my mum mimicked me in a mocking tone when I asked for people to not speak to me. This was it. I burst out crying, shouted at my step dad, then jumped out of the moving car and just walked off and hid for an hour until mum persuaded me to tell her where I was.

I can't stand living with my step-dad. Even my mum admits he doesn't understand me and how the disorder affects me.

The biggest kick in the teeth is that I am TRYING to be positive and get my life back on track by talking about getting a car and re-applying for a driving license, going to job interviews and even talking about open university and distance learning courses and all I get is criticism.

I've lost all hope. I feel as though everyone is against me. I KNOW that my step-dad and brother are. I feel alone. And hurt. And I don't have the motivation anymore.

I just feel ashamed and embarressed because me shouting and jumping out the car made my nan cry. I've also got a really sore jaw from where I punched myself in the face repeatedly (I do that when I'm over-stimulated and stressed out). My family know I have Asperger's and Bipolar and yet some of them are still horrible and nasty to live with.

I don't even feel comfortable in my own house with my step-dad here and don't eat or drink anything until night when my step-dad goes to bed.

:'(