Trigger warning,
Suicidal thoughts mentioned, but I pulled myself out of it.

But possibly an amusing anectdote if you get my warped humor.

....

I went insane yesterday. Working long hours, missing my kids, broke up with bf, pet chicken died, i keep getting cold/flu stomach ache head ache, sister in her own bp mess not speaking to me, not even time to go grocery shopping, figure out which credit card still has space on it.

The kids were complaining we have no food, my older bp son loses his cool fairly quickly, (I know he doesn't mean it when he says these things and he is improving), he was calling me names and hassling me. We do have food, it's just maybe kind gross food like ramen and baked beans, I'm sick of that type food also, and we're out of milk.

But it got too much for me and I began spewing negativity about the long hours I'm working and feeling unsupported and they could help clean while I'm at work and help feed the animals, maybe we shouldn't have all these animals if we can't care for them, maybe we shouldn't have big house and land I'd they can't help me care for it, I have no help, no child support. (I try not to say negative about their fathers but its obvious I get no child support).

I was really acting insane, crying ranting. My youngest son called me psycho. I told him it would be much nicer if he could say, mom I'm concerned you may be experiencing some psychosis right now. So then we discussed exactly what that meant and he said truly concerned and sincerely, oh ok, mom I think you're maybe having psychosis right now. I said, I think you're right. I was also having delusions that some people I owe A Lot of money to are going to come murder me and my kids in the night.

I had been laying in bed feeling sick all day, got up, put on a pretty red dress, black over the knee socks, back low furry boots. Pulled my wavy blond ish locks to a low side ponytail. Left the house in tears, fantasized about delusional sui thoughts, how I would look when whoever found me. Wondered if I should put on makeup for the event, delusional. Decided against driving off a cliff because I need to leave the car for my children to use or sell, don't need it damaged, additionally I would t look so peaceful and pale in my pretty dress if I'm mangled in a car wreck. I was aware I was delusional it was strange and surreal. My crying turned into prayers, I remembered the book/documentary The Secret, how I will manifest my reality through my thoughts. I sent love to the sun, to the trees, to my family... Then I went to a drive thru and got burgers for the boys and returned home. I apologized for worrying them. Apologized I could not go into the store to get groceries, that this was best I could do and that I love them.

I then realized the "pretty" dress I had on, well I forgot to take my nightgown off, so it looked insane, with the nightgown sticking out from under it. And that made me laugh a little. Probably good thing I only went to the drive thru... Yep.

I'm much better today, late for work but what's new. I'm about to get dressed and just go take this day by the horns. I can do this.