astronoe, glad you're feeling better and that you recognize the significance of having made the appointment -- you know you're worth helping. You touched on something I see in myself but haven't examined: some form of rejection complex, mild by comparison, but still enough that I don't want to feel that anymore... it goes way back as far as I can remember. You indeed have the traits of a valuable/likable person yourself, that's apparent from your posts! So begin to let yourself off the hook, however gradually that may need to be done... you're worthy and good and smart and I for one am glad you're here. Best of luck with the therapy.