There's several reasons why I'm hurting;

1) Jerry isn't my EX, he's my "estranged" husband, although we're not really estranged. He keeps turning up at my door just like a bad penny. He had a small heart attack about 6 weeks ago and guess who's taking care of him? Me!

2) Two of my kids don't talk to me. I'm finally convinced that it isn't any of my doing. It's THEIR bad choice. People here will vouch for me.

3) This is the second time that Jerry has gathered all of the kids and their families and I have no place there. If it wasn't for me, Jerry wouldn't have 3 of the kids he has! Two I had from a former marriage and one we had together.

4) I like most of the people in Kamloops and many of those going. They were part of my extended family for 20 yrs. It's going to be a "righteous" Scottish festivity.

**5) Perhaps the worst part of it is that it takes me back to my childhood and teenage years. I was an only child, born when my mother was 46 and wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant. Does "overprotected" ring a bell? I wasn't allowed to join in any of the games, outings, etc. for fear something "might happen." If we did go, I had to sit on the sidelines and watch... like I'm doing now... and always have. Jerry even tries to get out of taking me anywhere, even shopping. He'd rather pick it up for me. Why?? Because he's ashamed to be seen with me; for fear that someone knows we separated 10 yrs ago will see us together? I don't know.

Fact is, four grown children and the nine grandchildren are MY FAMILY and I don't get to ever enjoy them. I mean NEVER! The only time I see my oldest son is for Mother's Day, my birthday and 2 hours for Christmas. But he's got time for a long weekend 10 days before Christmas to go out of the country?? Something's wrong with this picture.

But YES! I have thought of doing something special for myself while Jerry is gone. The kids are ALWAYS gone... from me, anyway. I just don't know what that "something special" could be. I'm in a wheelchair and no car.