"How do you break the cycle of dissociating?"

Yup that part of the therapy sessions is so hard to do. at first I could not do it. I would feel those emotions coming up and BAM I was mentally gone.

It took alot of effort, practice and trial and error on SKR's and my end of doing this.

One day I was sitting in the therapy room that SKR had during that hour (in this therapy agency there are more therapists then rooms so some of the therapists have to sign a log book for rooms as they schedule thier appointments).

Anyway we had just sat down and SKR said she wanted to try something and wanted to know how I felt about it then told me she wanted me to start telling her when I felt myself going into my la lal land. I told her I could try but I didn't always know. its like one second I was there with her and the next Im sitting under my la la land tree watching musical clouds and my favorite music idols or floating in my musical clouds. Then she told me she was going to bring up topics that I had previously dissociated during. Outside I said ok lets go for it. inside everytime she tried to bring up a topic I blocked her by working other safe topics into the conversations so that we would be going in my direction of conversation instead of hers - onto the harder topics.

we did this for a few sessions and then without even talking about it the two of us just slipped into going back to our normal conversations. Then one day when reading my journals she asked if I could start keeping track of when I lose time. I told her sure I could do that just write down I lose the whole day and consider it done cause thats pretty much what was going on. So I started keeping a running log ... lost time today 4 times, lost time today 6 time..

During sessions I started noticing something. We would be talking and the next second the session was over. Whats going on here. I pulled out my journals and saw that from the first day I saw SKR there was very little wrote about what went on in my therapy sessions. I had been floating off every session. thats why SKR wanted me to tell her when I was going to la laland. She had hoped by my telling her I would start becoming aware of the fact of how much of my time was spent dissociated. She found another way to get the point across to me. The next session I told her what I figured her out. She laughed and said "not so scarey knowing how much you dissociate is it?" I told her no and I would start telling her when I was floating off.

For months we would just do our normal conversations of jumping from how you doing? and going where ever the conversation went to, and I would tell her if I started feeling floaty and far away. She would say ok and we would continue with the conversation as if nothing was happening.

At home I was doing my research and came across Nancy J Napiers books. And in one of them (Getting Through the Day)it explained Therapeutic Dissociation (pages 50-72) and its benefits and that other words for Therapeutic Dissociation was hypnosis and self hypnosis, imagry and relaxation exercizes. the purpose was not to create more dissociation but to remain aware of both your present day adult self at the same time as being aware of the child like parts of yourself. Back then when I was reading this book I did not realize what was in this whole book was how to develop co consciousness I was just amazed that there were people out there teaching others to do what I just do dissociate.

So I read the books and practiced doing the exercises and at the local library I located her website and started doing some of those meditations and weekly practices.

I slowly worked my way through my reactions of how I dissociate braking down my own Dissociation response and through trial and error I ended up with a 10 level what happens when I dissociate list including 5 as la la land and 0 as the point where I float out of my body so to speak (a place where im not in la la land, not in my tunnel and not in my body either. Some people call this "out of body experiences". I don't know if I am literally spiritually out of my body so I just always called it going to level zero which fit in great for my self made plan of using Therapeutic Dissociation.

then I practiced over and over again taking myself through the Nancy J Napier relaxation visualizations and pull myself back out of them then back in and back out over and over agains.

when I could do that I turned and applied that to my own dissociation reactions but at each level forcing myself back out of it.

At first it was I would be watching tv and boom Im in la la land. ok I got to get out of here and back into my bedroom. That movie was scarey but its just a movie I can shut it off but first I have to get back to my room and then I would think about things I knew were in my room and look around trying to see them. after doing this many times it finally worked I could pull myself out of la la land.

over more time and practice I was able to stop my dissociating into la la land before I go that dissociated. I was now able to recognize and pull myself out of my tunnel area.

I told SKR what I had been doing and she followed suit by helping me to do the same thing that I was doing at home during therapy sessions by anytime I started dissociating during therapy soe whould try to get my attention and and teach me how to use grounding techniques. but I just kept floating off when talking about the harder stuff.

I wrote to Nancy J Napeir and explained how I was using her book and materials and what SKR and I were trying to do. She emailed me back telling me to focus on SKR's voice. When I feel like I am in my tunnel area look for SKR's voice. That will lead me back to my present day adult perspective.

So I let SKR know I was going to start adding focusing on her voice into what I was doing so I would be calling her voicemail more. I had already been calling on and off because of my nightmares. But now I was going to be calling but for no reason but to hear her voice before I do my relaxation exercises.

During therapy sessions we added my focusing on her voice too, She said to tell her when I was feeling like going to la la land and then no matter what the conversation find her voice just like I was doing at home.

Alot of trial and error and practice and so on later I started to be able to find SKR and her voice while I was in my tunnel area.

Sometimes I would pull me out of my tunnel area and sometimes after grounding enough to where I was aware of SKR's voice we would continue by my telling SKR what was going on, what I was scared of, what I was seeing, hearing and so on.

Now I can pull myself out of my tunnel area about 85% of the time and alot of times just as fast as LL (present therapist) realizes I started to switch I am back and grounded.

Hang in there monty girl. its hard but it will happen for you. just practice practice practice. and one day you will be where you want to be.