The last time I saw anything other than a GP was over 10 years ago when I met with my first (and last) psychologist. At the time he had sent me away with the names of three different psychiatrists that I should call. Seeing it as a criticism I, of course, ignored it. It was just a stupid evaluation for the stupid psychology class I was taking at the time. What did they know?

Now what's he going to say? What's he going to do? How long is it going to take? I'm kind of freaking out a little. I hate doctors, I really do. With a burning, fiery passion of a thousand flaming suns.

It feels like I'm admitting defeat. I should be better than this, I should be able to control this... and I can't. Other people can rise above it, why them and not me? I could bite my tongue, control my actions, calm the hell down... but I can't. Why not? I should be able to. The walk into the doctor's office is going to feel like a grand walk of shame. And part of me knows that it shouldn't. I try to tell myself that this is the right thing to do... but is it?

It feels like when you go to the dentist or to confession or something and you haven't gone in a while and they give you that, "It's been HOW long???" And give you that disapproving look.

I need a drink.

(Funny side note: I went to Google just now and the Google Doodle of the day has text that says "Don't Panic" on it. I found that to be an ironic coincidence. Maybe the internet is trying to tell me something.)