My husband and I live on the water and own a boat. His ex-wife (we've been married 23 years) and I are friends of a sort but she grew up near the water and would have liked to have lived there when she moved from their marriage home, which she got in the divorce, 5-10 years ago, but could not afford it. So, she's often a bit jealous of me, thinking I have what she "should" have. I have a "Mother's Day" party here every year with her and her boyfriend and the stepsons, etc.

But your boat problem reminded me of when my stepsister and I had to take my stepmother's car away from her because she was no longer a safe driver. We had my brother come in from Hawaii, because she would not have listened to we women :-) and got it done but after he had gone home she would call my stepsister and myself and rant and rave. Some of it was sadly funny, "My friends all drive, I don't see why I can't!" (this from someone in her 80's, deja vu teenage years) but the anger and hurt were quite real and it was very sad to see her deteriorating and not able to see it.

Think about your mother's and brother's relationship as if you were looking at it from the outside, and look at how your mother would like you to behave (keep the boat for her). Your mother, like all of us I suspect, is trying to set things up for herself as best she can; it would be a good life if she had both her children doing her will still and could have the lifestyle she enjoys without having to do much! Your brother cooks for her it sounds like and does "take care" of her, is someone to talk to and argue with and she gets to be totally in charge, it's not a meddlesome husband!

Now look at your brother, who has never been able to quite break away from Mom and live a life of his own? I feel a bit sorry for him. He's a pseudo husband but without benefits. Sure she gives him spending money but what male do you know that wants to be living with his Mom, have no friends or anyone's respect, and has to ask his mother for everything? She's calling all the shots, she wants him there and he's doesn't have enough whatever to say, "no" and get a life of his own.

You on the other hand are living your own life, are doing the best you can with your resources and not caving to your mother and her control. You are married and act married, working with your husband to have your own household. I think you should be proud of yourself, you are living your life, moving forward as best you can.

I don't think you mother has so much that when she dies your brother will be sitting on easy street. Think about it; now he can at least hide behind "caring for his mother" if a casual acquaintance asks him what he does. But when she dies, he won't have her to guide his life, won't have a job/career/interest, won't have anyone to talk to or argue with, no "companion" anymore. His life is too centered on his mother. I would not be surprised if he drank himself to death or some such?

My father worked hard and my stepmother lived well after he died. When she died, my stepsister and her family/children got the bulk of the estate and I was sad because I was a young child when my father and she married so had lived with she and my father the longest of any of my brothers or stepsister. There was a lot unfair and poorly done with the estate after my stepmother died and, I was no longer included in my stepsister's family group (she is 13 years older than I am), not with my stepmother gone. I lost my "mother" for the second time in my life and the majority of my family! I have three brothers but they're guys and only one lives anywhere near me but we are not very close. I am closer to my brothers in law almost than my own brothers. I know I'm closer to my stepsons. But I have no children of my own and am already wondering what it might be like if my husband dies before I do.

Circumstances can shake things up and rearrange them like a kaleidoscope, but what I am finding happens most is that one's illusions of how one thought one's family was are forced by the wayside. For almost 50 years I thought I had a relatively happy primary family of two parents and five children. When my father died and I was thrust in with just my stepmother and stepsister (my brothers stayed away, did not really care for our stepmother) and their family, it was a different experience and then, when my stepmother died and I was cut adrift from that family too, it was a completely different family dynamic. The heart wants what it wants and looks to make it so. It may or may not be that way but I believe our spirit always tries to get things to work out for ourselves.

Perhaps you can see your mother doing that? Your brother, it looks like, has much less to work with. I would feel sorry for him rather than jealous. If I could, I would try to better befriend him and use your husband and any other men you know to give him as much of a guy thing as you could.

As we get grown and married, etc. I think it becomes necessary to understand one's parents in a different way, as individuals like ourselves rather than just as our parents. No, it's not "fair" that your mother give your brother everything, nor was it "fair" that my stepsister and I took away my stepmother's car and listened to a month or more of her hissing "I hate you!" on the phone and hanging up on us like a child. Your brother does nothing but it is probably not because he's "lazy" but because he cannot do anything, cannot live a "normal" life anymore, it's beyond him. He cannot even finish the bathroom; it's not that he "won't", I believe he literally can't, like a hoarder can't stop hoarding, or someone with OCD can't stop their rituals or someone with an eating disorder can't eat; that sort of can't. If I were you, I'd try to look at your family as individuals you know rather than those you are related to; pretend you are an outsider and look at them. Thinks can feel less personal, less hurtful that way?