This is my first real post here besides the new member post so this will probably not be as good as I hope but here we go.

I have been thinking more and more about my personality and how it truly affects the way that I communicate with the ppl around me. I would label myself an introvert because 95% of the time I want to be alone or in my own thoughts rather than being the life of the life of the party. I really shy away from social gatherings and from talking to my friends as much as possible. They complain all they time that they, the few I have, no nothing about me. I do a very good job of shifting the conversation from me to them and that is a talent that I have perfected and I am quite proud of. This I feel makes me a good friend to the ones I have just because they feel that I am listening to them. Which is true but it is not always because I am interested in what is bothering them but mostly because it keeps them from asking about me.
Now you might remember that I said I am like this 95% of the time. Well the other five I am a raging extrovert. I love to be the center of attention. I crave it. I bask in it. I took debate, choir, theater arts and other social activities while in school and I loved every second of it. It made me, well me. Every knew me for my outgoing personality. There is nothing better than the feeling that everyone is looking at you. I have always had a sort of love hate relationship with this mix. This somewhat contradiction.
That is, here's where I get to the both, until I can to the realization that, at least in my opinion. that I may be able to be both. I do love to be in the spotlight and to be the center of attention as long as it is only about my talents or what I am doing at the time. I do not want ppl to know me for me because I feel that they won't like it. Why, because I don't like me. I hate who I am and what I have become especially. Sometimes I really wonder if I am a good friend or a fraud. I keep everyone at arms length. Even the ones who are closest to me.
And as I sit here alone, although my gf is here asleep, I am second guessing this whole post. I am wondering what ppl will think of it and I have the almost overwhelming urge to delete it altogether. To me it is dumb and not well thought out. I spend 70% of my time going over what I will say to someone or what I will post instead of just saying/posting it. I have the urge to reread this to make sure that at least all the the words are spelled right and that it sounds good. But I won't. You have no idea of who I am and yet there is that part of me that wants to make sure I don't look stupid. It really sucks. I know that this ending is really weird and might not fit quite right with the rest of this tread but oh well.....