Hello, K! Welcome to the forum! My name is Angela.

I don't have DID, but I've studied it for a couple years now. I'm a psychology major. I feel you should know that I'm only an undergraduate, so I'm NOT qualified to diagnose anything and do not have the level of training that your therapist has. I have read enough that I can tell you some common things to look for, but I cannot say you do or do not have it. I can offer you the benefit of the knowledge I've gained from having read quite a few personal accounts on DID, some by clients and some by therapists, and having heard two of them live from one former, now integrated multiple and one current multiple.

There is no doubt in my mind, reading about your experiences, that you dissociate. There are many different types of dissociation. "Losing time," though a major indicator of DID, is not the only indication of dissociation. It sounds like you have some memory problems, which could indicate a lot of things. Memory problems like the ones you're describing (where you are able to recall with some help) could indicate depression, burnout, dissociation, or any number of things. The other descriptions you give are definitely dissociative symptoms, though. Feeling like you're watching a movie instead of in real life is dissociation. So is the feeling that you're outside your body looking in. Such changes in visual perception can occur because of dissocation. This makes me think that your memory problems may relate to dissociation, too. I'm sure your therapist is right in saying you have some kind of dissociative disorder. Not remembering your past abuse MAY indicate that you dissociated as well.

Honestly, based ONLY on the information you have provided in your post, I don't see a solid case for a DID diagnosis yet. However, there may be more applicable information that your therapist knows, and I don't.

Wendy pointed out that there are people who believe that the DID is fabricated by therapists who convince clients that alters exist when they do not. I see that this could be a possibility in SOME cases, but I very STRONGLY believe there are real, true cases of DID. And yes, doubting that you have DID is VERY MUCH a common response. In fact, in all the books I've read on DID, I don't know if I've seen even one yet in which the client didn't doubt it at first. Even when they don't doubt it anymore, people often have a hard time accepting it. It's a tough pill to swallow, as well you know! That doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

The nature of the disorder is set up to avoid detection. (Similar to the abuse that contributes to the development of DID). So no, you would not necessarily know for sure if you did have it. This doesn't mean you have to automatically accept what your therapist is saying, though. You can ask questions to try to understand why he would think this. I am NOT trying to say that you do OR do not have DID. I'm just letting you know what I've learned.

Here are some questions that your post raised for me:

(1) Has your therapist actually met any alters? DID should not be diagnosed until there has been an alter discovered. It's ok for a therapist to have suspicions and be looking into it before that of course, based on your symptoms, but to assume that you have DID when there is no evidence of actual alters would be a mistake. If you don't know whether or not your therapist has met alters, this would be a good question to ask.
(2) What about physiological symptoms? Do you have any that you know of? How is your stomach/digestive tract? Do you get a lot of headaches? Stuff like that. What kinds of health problems have you had in your history?
(3) About talking to yourself. Everybody has internal dialogues with themselves. This is normal. However, multiples may have a dialogue running within themselves that is more like separate people conversing. When you talk to yourself and hear yourself, is this like a dialogue exchanged between two different people, or more like one person working out a conflict? You mentioned it was like what you see in the movies. Is it like Jan Brady from the Brady Bunch, who has whole conversations back and forth, but it's clearly one person's voice? Do you ever hear voices inside of your head that don't sound like your own? Do they say things that you don't think came from you- as if another person was living inside your mind and telling you things? My understanding is that in DID, you will not "hear" voices outside of your head. Schizophrenics hear voices outside their heads. But in DID, a person may hear voices of different people, but only inside their head. I think this is one of the ways you can distinguish.
(4) When you talk to yourself, what kinds of conversations do you have? If it's not to embarassing, could you give an example of what a conversation in your head sounds like?
(5) About your memory... You said that you don't recall your history of abuse. What is your memory of your life, as a whole? Can you remember a lot of your life, or is that difficult? Are there any noticable pieces of time that you can't recall?
(6) You are absolutely right in thinking that everybody has shards of themselves. Everyone experiences some internal conflict. In dissociative disorders, the lines start to get a little more clear between one aspect of your personality and another. In DID, the parts of you become completely separate- to the point where they are more than one personality- alters. Some of these alters are aware of eachother, some are not. Usually the "host" personality (the one who spends the most time in the body) is unaware of the others when s/he starts therapy.
(7) If you feel that your experience is more of "mood changes" than separate entities, it is important to take that into consideration. From my own experience, I can say that I also feel like a child sometimes. But I am still me. I know I'm not multiple- I'm defintely only one- but there are different aspects of me, and I do have a wide range of moods and temperaments depending on the day. Still, it is just one person who experiences ALL of these feelings. It sounds like you feel this is the case with you. Did I understand that right? Or am I putting words in your mouth?

The fact that you're fairly certain you don't lose time COULD indicate that you don't have DID. Then again, you may not realize when you've lost time either. I wonder, do people often say that you've done things you have absolutely no recollection of doing? Do you ever find items around your home that you do not recognize at all? Does your money get spent without your knowing where it went? Are there any other things that happen to you that you find confusing or peculiar? You mentioned that you do not have people recognize you that you don't know. That's something I would have asked about as well, because it's something that commonly happens to DID clients. Do you happen to keep a journal or other form of writing or drawing? If so, do you ever find unfamiliar handwriting or artwork in it?

There are a lot of things to consider here. And I've already given you a lot of questions. So I won't go into more of it for now. I will reccomend a book for you, though, if you're interested in reading some things that may help you learn more. I reccomend: The Dissociative Identity Disorder Sourcebook by Deborah Haddock. I'll "talk" (type) with you about some other books, personal accounts, that might be helpful in understanding DID, but I'd like to know a little more about you and what might trigger you before I reccomend anything else, okay?

Now, I know this is a lot of questions, so if it takes a while to respond, that's ok. If not, that's ok, too! I would be happy to help you in any way I can. I also know a therapist whose specialty is DID and I can ask them a few questions if there's something I don't understand or haven't read about yet.

If nothing else, I'm willing to be a sounding board for your own ideas and conflicts as you try to decide what you think is going on with you! I'm willing to be a friend to you, and help you out during this confusing experience.

Please feel free to email me. It may be a better idea than posting, if you want to get ahold of me in particular. Sometimes I don't get around to checking posts as often as I should. (If you'd rather just share the information with everyone as a post, though, that's totally fine, too). Do whatever you feel most comfortable about

My email address is: angelaurora82@yahoo.com.

Hope this helps!

SweetCrusader (Angela)





"Blessed be the cracked, for they let in the light"
-Author Unknown