I am currently frustrated. After starting to make up it is like things are going back to normal. I should be happy but I am still angry. I want to believe that she will do better, but I don't have faith in her. She always seems to let me down. I don't tell her about it, because I don't want to hurt her feelings. I feel bad for saying this, but I think my wife is pretty mediocre. I doubt I will ever tell her that but I don't feel like she is that special someone anymore. When we first met I thought she was really good for me and I think she was. Now I feel like I am carrying her through life. One thing that bothers me is I feel guilty when I work on school and want to do well at work. In the back of my mind I think she disapproves. Maybe it is all in my imagination. Why isn't she happy that I want to do well and I put forth the effort to succeed. I think of all the ladies out there who have boyfriends that smoke pot all day and play Xbox. That is more the norm than me, why is she not grateful I do well. I know she just wants to see me, but I feel I am at an impass with this.

I was excited with the prospect of moving out and living my own life. I thought I no longer have to worry about this releationship. I can work as much as I want, meet new and interesting people. I could experience new things. I feel like with getting back with her, my life will become what it was.

I also had a realization last night that I find my wife slightly unattractive. It is mostly due to the weight. When we went out on a date over the weekend, she was really pretty. I just find the extra weight a turn off. I told her as nicely as I can about it. I doubt she has the will power to lose it to be honest. I think for a long time I didn't mind it that much. I just want her to be healthy and more the fit. I feel like a jerk for saying that, but it is how I feel. I think on some level, I find myself to be more attractive than my wife. I don't know. Other times I have a horrible self image and hate the way I look. I don't want to be vain.

Sorry for the long vent. Most of that was probally incoherent ramblings. I am just frustrated at the moment.