Maybe you are going through a sort of grieving process? Seems like this friend means a great deal to you, it also seems like things are coming to a close with this relationship (or already has). You don't have to lose a person to death to grieve for them, it might not be as prominent as when a person has died, but it's still a form of grief. Maybe this is something you are going through?

Or you can look at it as phases of closure...whichever way (((tommylee))) I am sorry things did not work out the way you had wanted.

hugs Lisa