Thank you for your replies. They sound sound for lack of better words. They coincide well with my readings of BPD. Mainly the part of partner/family of a borderline being consistent, and constancy in general for a borderline being highly beneficial.

Today I saw that she’s read my emails, btw I love that feature at the dating site we use to email, so this is a very good sign. From the very beginning she’s told me it takes her time do digest emails of anything more that chit chat so just seeing this means as much as writing back.

I wrote the following about 2 days ago and it’s a bit of a depressing rant. I’ve decided to post it to better get to know my thinking processes.

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10-15-06
I haven’t heard from her yet so I can’t really do anything at this point. Maybe she is feeling smothered, can’t really tell without being able to talk to her. Of course I’m passing over the obvious, historical truth that women don’t see anything in me. This is the reason I stopped thinking on my future and the future of those around me such a long time ago, like you said dtcoyle, too much preconception is a bad thing. I just don’t wait to know the obvious. I’d rather be ignorant and think positive but reality doesn’t coincide with this. I want to think it’s her mental illness, this is my bias. I don’t really have a choice. All I can do is to repeatedly make the mistake of hoping. All the facts point away from this being anything but painful. I’m just going to have to leave it to chaotic chance till I see a psychologist, which I don’t really see what a doctor of any degree can really do. My physical illness is permanently beyond cure in my lifetime, and women just won’t accept me as I am. The horrible irony of it is I know I’m of the personality that I can’t be alone. Kind of like if someone had an allergic reaction to their own blood.

I tell myself this isn’t rational thinking, but in order for that to be true reality must first break down and leave me in my own world of lies. I’d be lying to myself to see it other than the way it is. Sad thing is I, for some ungodly reason, truly remain optimistic. I don’t really understand why. I have 0 income and have been falling through the cracks of society’s disability/health care system for over 5 years now, a dead mother that was the only reason in my parent’s marriage. All I have is my uncle putting a roof over my head that’s, sad to say, loosing his mind to his physical pain and my sister that’s paying my grocery bills. My freedom is TOTALLY at the mercy of others.

I don’t know what it’s like to have a mental imbalance being the cause of mental anguish, but I do know situational misery, and both are out of our control. I’m not going to even think we can truly gauge levels of mental sorrows because there’s the point where it’s just too much to even try. So when I say I don’t know which is worse, chemical imbalance or a cruel world I think it’s fair to say indignation knows no bounds to those in bondage. That’s kind of poetic; think I’ll store that one away somewhere.

Thanks for reading through that vent of frustration, Other’s in my life are too busy to contact or don’t understand. When/if her and I start seeing more of each other I’m sure to have more.

Dame, I’m even being optimistic when I say at lest this message has shown me I’m not as patient as I thought. See, I am too stupid to be a pessimist.
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I do enjoy writing like that. It’s how I get my depression out and deal with it. I often tell other’s at support groups how this helps me as a coping tool. This reminds me to get my diary to cd for my therapist I’ve yet to get. Man is it going to be a real tomb(sp). I have about 2 years of off and on writing in it.

Anyhow I’m working on an email for her now. This form of communication when she isolates herself reminds me of one being in war using two way communication and not hearing anything on the other side. Till I get the email read showing life on the other side.

Well enough rambleing for now. I’ll keep all of you posted.

Thanks again for all the input.

Luther