((adam)),

I understand how you feel about this and how you don't want to get "hurt". Emotional affairs happen when someone is lost and unfulfilled with "self" adam.
That is what breaks up so many marriages and relationships. I am going through this with my daughter who just turned 29 and finally ended an 8 year relationship. There wasn't another women though, the emotional affair her ex was having was with alcohol.

I understand your "hurt and fears" but you have to get to the "reasons" for your wifes emotional "voids" that she is using this online kind of "filler for". I seriously doubt she is looking for a "real affair", she is just filling a deep void, and part of that is that she is "fearful" too. It is scarey to be "dependant" on someone like she is right now, and she "knows you want her to find a job" and she has not been able to do that yet.
Having some guy online who is telling her she is smart, interesting etc, is just filling a void for her, instead of making her feel she is lacking because she owes money and doesn't have a job yet. Remember, you do feel that.

I think it will be interesting to hear what she says in marriage counceling. I have a feeling I am right on track with what is going on with her.

I can't blame you for not trusting, especially given your past that you are just beginning to work on in therapy etc.