So much happened today in my session. I asked about my diagnosis and she wasn't too clear because she doesn't like diagnoses, but she sort of agrees with some kind of trauma diagnosis. I asked her "yes or no", do you think my brother abused me, and she again "sort of" said "yes". She asked what I thought. We both definitely think the spying in the shower was abuse. She thinks my upbringing and childhood were not "awful" but the things that happened were trauma, and affected me.

We talked about art and my newest painting that she liked very much! So do I! We talked about my birthday and how it was enjoyable this year. She asked me how I know that I like my painting--where in my body do I feel it. That was interesting.

Then I started about the sexual stuff and that session. She remembered it as I knew she would. She admitted that it may have been "her stuff" when I said she was mean, and it didn't seem like her normal way of talking to me. She may have been triggered, she said, and she apologized!!! I told her I felt like I had poison inside of me.

Then we got to talking about my shame, and how I felt she was seeing inside of me, and how I was ashamed to have those kinds of feelings. She said that she cannot see inside of me. She also said it's not in my control when I have sexual feelings, and of course she said she's not judging me. She also does believe me that holding her hand never felt sexual.

We talked some about my brother, then she brought out some rope to do an exercise about boundaries. I put the rope around me on the floor where I thought my circle was, where no one could go past that circle without my permission. She said my brother went inside it without my permission. I said it felt like SHE did it, at that session. I felt awkward. We both sat on the floor and she had me tap on my arms. I felt weird, dizzy, and shaky so she gave me peppermint oil to smell. I'm not sure why I felt that way. I'm off the zoloft and still feel jittery, though not as much. The shakiness was from the topic of the session.

It was hard. She said SE is good for me but it is slow. I said it seems like EMDR, and that I read online how they're alike. She said, yes, but SE is slower and that's why it's better for me.

This is for emptyspace: My T said I am NOT just her job and she is not doing it just for the money. I said maybe I'm in denial about that and she said, no, I'm not! So, you can believe her or not, but I choose to believe her because I trust her.

She says I worked very hard today even though I said it didn't feel like we accomplished very much. This subject is all tied up with body feelings, shame and anatomy words. Other than attachment issues, it's my biggest issue to work on. Someone can be in T for years, but revist the same issues in a deeper or different way. That's happening to me.

For hankster: T said we can do SE about my "broken" finger but she doesn't think my parents were abusive for not taking me to the dr. She said if it had been terrible pain, I would have told them, and they would have done something about it. I didn't know it wasn't going to heal by itself. I didn't want to bother my mother about it, or maybe I did and it didn't look so bad. I don't remember. So, T agrees with you that my past wasn't a bed of roses, but she also agrees with me that on a scale, I was at the low end of having an abusive past or terrible trauma growing up. It was trauma and affected me. Guess I have to accept that. More to work on in therapy. It's complicated.