I went to another meeting today. My "fellow pwbpd" was there again. He had not left; he's been there since Friday.

I am really scared to be too warm to him; so afraid he'll get the wrong idea. He's warm to me (not romantic). I feel so desperate right now for a friend; someone who understands, even though he's 20 years younger than me. I don't care, really. But I am scared he will think I am an "old broad" trying to "glom on him". So I am very casual.

Today we talked about honesty, our meeting. I shared about how there is such a fine line between honesty and vomiting up your problems. I still don't know the difference.

Things will be worse at home before they get better.

Bruce is sick; that means neither one of us can work; I am disabled. Also, he can't find ANYHING now that's not "manager", "full-time", "must have experience with latest Windows program..." It also does not look like he is getting back any of the money he got cheated out of back in Oct 2011.

UGH!

I think we are going to have to move. I hope we can find a senior buidling with a landlord who can take a disabled woman, too, of 45. I don't know what our options are. I am so scared. I have never been homeless before. At least my uncle DID offer to help us move. I am still not sure he will drive all the way down to SD from Seattle, though, at a moment's notice.

My fear of vulnerability is very very real. I need to connect with others, but betw. my bpd and my bad experiences with connections, I don't know.

I still think everything I touch disappears.

today, after sharing at the meeting, I could not help it. I could not bear the feeling of rejection after being so vulnerable (I had shared about my aunt's death finally) and I fairly ran out of the room.

I heard K (fellow pwbpd) calling out, "Bye, Carol!" and I said bye politely, friendly, but I was so scared of feeling so raw and vulnerable.

Carol