March 13, 2013
My abusive father is dying. I rose above it all - just as I knew I would when he finally far far far too late in the game reached out to me and my brother.

I worked ceaselessly got hospice in place and backed it up with a care provider to fill in the gaps - when hospice could not be available. This relieved me of the sense that even though he abandoned me emotionally all my life, I would not mette out the same cruelty to him.

He even managed to take jabs at me in the past few weeks, with one crisis after another. He removed me as medical advocate, ok - YEAH! I was for my mom, and it was far different from the way things are unraveling with him. I feel no love for him. He is a misogynist, a low-life lying stupid pathetic human who never earned the right to call himself my father.

My brother has power of attorney and legal power of medical advocacy. I was listed, but my father pulled me off. This is my area of expertise. I was my mother's medical advocate and it felt like an honor. He pulled me out of the documents as med. advocate to take another jab at me - and frankly I am relieved. He sickens me.

My father? I hate him. I hate the way he abused me, physically, mentally, spiritually. I am empty - WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH IS SO INTENSE, I AM GRIEVING THE FATHER I NEVER HAD. He was a mean cruel wolf, I consider myself a human raised by a wolf, he is/was a control freak, manipulator and went out of his way my whole life 100's of times to slash me down verbally, debase me, degrade me - never once acknowledging my gifts, my skills, what a wonderful kind lovely beautiful woman I am. NO VALIDATION. Instead he tormented me - held everything over my head, vilified me - when I extended myself - for over a year to be there for my mom when she was dying 2 years ago this month. ALL FEELINGS ARE VALID AND NORMAL. It IS normal to grieve an abusive, abandoning parent - as we are grieving the loss of the dream, of what we desperately needed and wanted and were born entitled to.

Every newborn child comes into the world with the right to be loved unconditionally, parented with structure, compassion, guidance, healthy rules and boundaries, forgiveness, kindness - and honesty.

I received none of that growing up. none. I have no apologies, and am not surprised at the pain I feel now watching him decline. We die as we have lived. He has made choices that now contribute to his feelings of isolation.
No friends visit, his brother will have nothing to do with him, I am done - I can no longer face the toxic cyclonic crazy energy that surrounds this energy vampire who is listed as my "father" on my birth certificate.

My heart is broken into pieces. The first man in my life - taught me growing up - how undervalued I was, hammered at my self-esteem. It turns out I am so beautiful and it took - decades for me to look in the mirror and see it in my face, my shape and my heart. I AM BEAUTIFUL IN EVERY WAY. It is because I looked at him and his alcoholic behavior - and from as young as I can remember, told myself - this is everything I do not want to be. And I am not, I am greater - stronger, gentle, giving, kind, compassionate, real, honest, and have done recovery work to claim my life - and have already began living my bucket list!!! As he passes so does the anguish and still that sense of Armour I must use when we speak, the anguish and anger that accompanies our stilted empty conversations. I am 54, and this is the hardest thing I have ever faced. I have God, I have the divine, the great spirit. Rooted in this is my spirit and my life's intention to be all that I am in any given moment.