Hi,
I am new here and sorry, my English is not very good.
I have a son, raised him alone; and now, I'm trying to estabilish a good relationship with him.

My backround:
My mom (divorced) raised us alone.
Mom beat us, called us by names, especially me. My sins: struggled and openly (although not consciously) resisted against her controling manner; loved my father so much; always tried to be independent.
As tenegeer I was so confused about everything, myself, relationships etc.

When I got my son, I promised, I will not be like my mom.
Never called him by nasty names, respected him as a huban being.
But, there was my anger that I didn't know where it is come from, that many times I expressed on my son. I was so upset with myself and in panic.
My son didn't deserve that; I loved him so much.
***He was 6 years old; I started with terapies. It helped me somehow, but still I didn't understand everything well what is it all about.
Then, recently, I read a book “Toxic parents” by Susan Forward and just then I understood what happened with me, understood what effect my mom had on my life.
Understood it just now when I am 57.

Even though I said I will cut this chain of toxic behavior, I was apparently not succesful.
Why? For example, one problem is that conversation between my son and me by phone or email is ok, but not in real life. I don't know why.

*** When he visits me with his girlfriend first, he is critisizing me for everything. His girlfriend warns him, then he changes his attitude and forcibly search for a topic that it can be pleasurable for all of us. Conversation does not flow naturally.
***Many times I feel that he is coming to visit me just because he feels that he is obligated to visit me but not because he realy wants.
***I asked him few times, why I iritate him, why he is tense when he comes to visit me; he comes with some (for me) stupid exuses: dosn't like how I speak on English, I don't finish my sentences, don't like how I keep some things in livingroom etc....

Note: I feel tense too, cannot relax;

With them in visitation, I don't have a chance and plesure to be a good host. They don't let me to treat them nicely, feed them like all moms like feed their children, have a tee or coffe with them and have a nice chat.

They don't eat anything that I cook because my son's girlfriend is on diet (eat just chicken).(Once I ask them what they ate in restourant and they answered: pork legs or beef on the grill.) I am clean person so it is not reason that they don't eat in my home.
Tried to let her to cook and just then, we sit together and then we eat together.

Their visitation looks this way: we are sitting in living room, they are using Ipad, cellphones, messaging while I'm sitting and waiting is somebody willing to speak with me. Rough question by me: did you guys come to visit ME or play games on your IPad?
I would tell, this is rude. But I am quiet because my son would tell that I am always complaining because of something or arguing and nothing is good for me and they didn't come to argue with me.

Maybe he is right?


When I leave the living room and come to my office, then my son comes to me and asks, want I want to do.
What to answer if I feel that it is all not spontaneous but against your will?



We both realize and agree that something is wrong between us . He told me once, he is scared that our relationship will end as a relationship between me and my mom. We are, mom and me are not in contact more that 20 years. I hope we will not end that way because I am ready to say I AM SORRY, I DID MISTAKE, I AM WRONG and I am willing to work on our relationship while my mom was not ready for that.




I think I am also a toxic parent as my mom but on different way; my son regarding Susan Forward in her book Toxic Parents, shows some signs of consequences that one child of one toxic parent has:

*** feel unconfortable in my suroundings
*** refuses any talk with everybody about his father
*** doesn't show emotions (angryness,sadness,happynes)
*** many times I cached him that he is doing to please people (and for aproval) but agains his will.
(I try to incorige him for saying NO if he feels that way)
*** my son has strong feeling of obligation to take care of me
(HE IS NOT LIVING WITH ME AND HE IS INDEPENDENT-LIVING WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND)
*** after I talked with him and told him that I am so sorry, he still believes that I beat him because of his well being (by reading a book Toxic Parents I realized that I was very wrong and that believes and attitude that many people in my country still have, are NOT CORRECT!)

*** he is offten compiting with me. Probably I provoke this compatition in him, but don't know how.
I am telling him always that I am not smarter that him, in some area, I am but in many things he is more knowledgeble that me. Why he wants to be always above me? What I am doing to provote him for that?



Note: Interesting, when we are somewhere else, somewhere outside (restoran or some trip) tense between us somehow disapear. Tense is just in my home.

What I am doing wrong?