Before i even say anything ... I want to appologize for my lack of posting. It is not because i dont care, i do, but it is simply because i feel like nothing i say is of any value anymore .. and my words would mean nothing. But trust me when i say that i am thinking of each and every one of you.

Now i feel dumb even posting anything ... feel free to ignore this if you dont feel like reading.

I just ... I'm not me anymore. I've turned into this hateful moody irritable sad lonely mopey person who i hate. One minute i feel one thing, and the next, i feel another. Things with my T have been going better .. except she really scared me with some stuff she had to say. we went over our time limit by an hour and 1/2 the other day ... and she thinks that i have some anxiety issues, as well as severe depression .. and some other things that i haven't even accepted so i can't talk about. I just feel so needy and annoying and dumb and i can't take it anymore. I go to bed upset, sleep for maybe 2 hours in total a night .. wake up randomly crying, and then am exhausted all day - which doesn't get me very far with a science courseload. It is simply too much. I miss so badly the people that are important in my life, and i feel as though that part of me that is missing, is stopping me from living my life here .. so i can't even move on. But the hardest part it pretending like things are okay. I dont want anyone here to know anything is wrong ... but its gotten to the point where it takes all of my energy to keep that smile on, and there is no where i can really turn to. I've never been the type to hurt myself ... but i find myself having so much inside me that needs to get out that i've completely skratched and cut up my knuckles with my nails. I dont even know why ... i dont realise i'm doing it.

I'm sorry .. i'm ranting ... and thank you if you've read this far. I guess i just need to get some of what i'm feeling "out there" .. even if i dont hear back from anyone. So thanks for listening if you've got this far .. and if you haven't, well i dont blame you.