James, I've never known anyone to be as honest as you've been. When I read your posts it takes me back to the throes of my own alcoholism, when I was at my worst. I can almost feel when I was at my darkest -- and it scares me to death.

I really care about you -- I hope you know that. And you're NOT a degenerate. You're caught in this disease that we've all been caught in. Perhaps you're just not ready to surrender -- I can't say as I'm not you. But God I hope it happens soon. I've PRAYED for it to happen soon! I've prayed that God take you by the neck like He did me -- and force you to surrender like He did me!!! That was my first spiritual experience and I didn't even ASK for it.

You're not a human failure. This disease is cunning, baffling & powerful. But there is an answer if you want it. But you have to want it more than ANYTHING ELSE. I'm not necessarily saying AA -- but a power greater than ourselves maybe? God bless you my friend. Hugs, Lee