I just want the pointless pain to stop. That doesn't seem unreasonable. But no. That's not how it works. I can't break out of it, and no one else can help, as far as I can tell. I just have to wait, and keep myself from ruining anything important in the mean time.

I don't know why I'm even here. Mute cry for impotent help?

I can't even say why I feel this way. It wouldn't help.

I guess really, the reason I'm here, posting this, is because I need to feel like I talked to someone, and there's no one I can talk to about it. I can't talk to my wife about it anymore, or it will start to be a pattern, and it will lead to her stopping wanting to be with me. That's already happened once, and I am very afraid that I am on the edge of a slide into the same territory. I can't even let her know that something is wrong, because then she'll want me to confide in her, and she hasn't gotten irritated yet about this issue, but I know she will soon, and then I'll start to wonder if she regrets marrying me, and that will be too much, and I'll slide into doing awful things like begging her not to hate me, and then she'll get even more mad, and then--

And it's a similar, if less dramatic, story with any of my friends. I can't talk to them about feeling this way.

So I'm here, posting this. So I can feel like I talked to someone about it. And, really, so it won't stop being real when I wake up and feel fine tomorrow. I can't stand knowing that, no matter how real this pain is, fairly soon it will just be a bad dream that I can't quite remember.

Sorry for selfishly posting this pointless tripe.