Hi I'm Heather. I live in Japan because I have abandonment issues and I like to reject people when I feel rejected, so I rejected everyone and moved to Japan 8 years ago. But Japan's pretty cool.

I've had issues all my life. I started therapy 4 years ago and learned that I wasn't just born defective - I had childhood trauma, abandonment issues, codependency. But no one ever really gave me a name for what I had until last night when my new therapist told me I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I knew of it and I knew it went hand in hand with codependency, but the word "disorder" seems so strong and it was kind of a shock to have a disorder attached to my name :x

Maybe it'll be a good thing... maybe I'll be able to separate myself from the behavior more, and be nicer to myself by saying the disorder is bad not me.

My new therapist seems to be a good match for me. It sucks that I wasted 4 years and lots of yen on my first therapist. She was helpful in the beginning when I was first learning about what goes on in my head, but she was kind of weak and shy herself and couldn't handle me. She was too abstract and wouldn't give me the more concrete solutions I was asking for. No wonder I often felt mad after a session. My new therapist is very no-nonsense, very firm with me, gives me concrete examples of what I should be saying and thinking and doing instead, but is also kind and consoling and understanding.

But I'm having a rough time at life right now (wait when have I not?) The people in my life I've either relied on and tested so much that they're disgusted with me and have distanced themselves from me, or they are people who I felt hurt by and so I gave up and distanced myself from them. It's so hard to have people be mad at me and telling me I'm doing things wrong. It's hard to understand why people are harsh on me when I'm sad rather than being consoling...

I'm starting to become open to the idea that what I'm doing isn't working ... but it's not a nice feeling.

I'm facing a lot of pain the in the next few months...the friend who I've worked with 3 days a week for the last year is being assigned to a new school from April and the separation is going to drive me crazy for sure

It's going to be hard dealing with these life changes and my new diagnosis...