An idea, by what I can make out DBT for borderline encourages you to hear and recognise what your doing and how your behaving and pull it in check by doing the opposite our minds tell us.

I would suggest couples counselling, make a set schedule where you share how your both feel in a safe controlled environment until you learn how to communicate with each other in a healthy way. Your wife sounds supportive, and it could result in you becoming much closer, I guess it would mean owning the behaviour and accepting it and learn how to master control of that trait.

Might be a daft suggestion it's certainly something I'm being challenged with at the moment. Owning the behaviour it's no simple thing to do, for instance I know I'm draining when my emotions are ruling.