I can't blame you for feeling the way you do ((adam)). Her actions, as I mentioned, are expressing "her" lack of maturity and sense of "self worth". Unfortunately, when people struggle with their "own self esteem or void/fear" they do things that can hurt others unknowingly. And you have suffered the consequences from this already in your life, so it is understandable that you feel hurt and even "resentful".

This past Sunday I was up late with my very upset and hurt daughter because of this issue. Her ex had "self esteem issues" and inspite of all her efforts to try to help him, he didn't change and he really hurt her. Unfortunately, he was so wrapped up with his own issues, that he just didn't see how it was putting way too much strain on her. She finally realized that "she" couldn't "fix" his problems, only "he" is capable of doing that. As I mentioned she was only 28 when she finally just wore out after him again going out and drinking himself into a blackout/passout and never coming home. It was very hard on her because she would say "didn't he love me enough?"
and "how could he hurt me so much?".

adam, this challenge with your wife, as I mentioned, isn't about how much she loves you. This is about "her own self esteem issues" and I know that is very hard to understand. I can't blame you for having "trust issues" either, and I understand that with your past, this is extra hard for you. As I mentioned that is something you are going to have to work through in therapy and finally make peace with, that isn't something your "wife can do for you". And your wife needs to figure out "her" issues too. And, then the both of you have to spend time in marriage counceling to see if your relationship can grow inspite of the personal challenges you both are dealing with. It is not unusual for couples to have personal challenges that affect the way the marital relationship functions. And you are at the age when these challenges are "prevelent" and are "confusing". So you are going to have to be patient with this challenge and wait and see by going to marriage counceling if the two of you can get to a point where you can go forward inspite of your personal challenges. You both have to learn that each of you are going to have to be "responsible" for you personal issues as well, and cannot expect each other to solve these issues. This process takes time to work out.

I don't want to tell you to give up or say your wife is bad for you etc. I think that is something the two of you need to figure out in marriage counceling with a professional.

So, my advice is to be patient and do your best to try not to "project and resent" while you move forward to working through this.

(((Hugs)))