Last night I had my reoccuring tornado dream, but this time it it head on and destroyed everything around me - except me.

Yesterday in session my T told me about changes to his office which may likely be happening at the end of this year. I immediately felt all my walls go up. I felt I didn't even care if he moved all the way to another country. It was a strange sensation of shutting down.

I am not sure if it is happening because at this time I was dealing with some internal trauma parts being exposed.... or if it is because of stuff with family... or because of changes at work.... but something snapped over.

I woke up this morning shut off emotionally from everything and everyone. It feels safe this way. In an odd way I just wish T would move far away where there was no chance of ever talking to him again for the rest of my stupid life. In another way it feels illogical because he has done nothing wrong... and I know it is my stuff. But what I see I could feel is too much to go through and I am too exhausted with life to process it anyway. But when I think of it that way, I feel there is now no reason to keep trying to heal at all if this mountain will never be one I can climb for whatever dumb reason. IDK.

I am really not sure what I am saying but I know if I write about it, it may help me ground. Right now all I see is the static of existance all around me and the eternal nothingness which is beyond pointless to pretend is not the final answer.