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ShaggyChic_1201 · 05:37 PM

I’ve just got a few minutes to update this. I went and saw T. today and brought her this printout. She hasn’t read it yet, but focused on why I felt I needed validation and clarification. While H was testing me in other ways (spending more, not going to his own therapy when he said he would, etc.) I was clear in my mind that those were his issues. I didn’t fall into the codependent trap and wonder what was wrong with me. Having pushed all those boundaries unsuccessfully*, T suspects he went back to the tried and true: he knows what triggers me and therefore played the sex card. Since I was indeed triggered by it, I started doubting myself. You saw my questions – is it my responsibility to be available at any moment for him to quit using porn, etc? You all reacted in a very normal, non-triggered way. NO! It’s not my responsibility. Furthermore, knowing my long CSA history, if he really loved, honored and cherished me, he wouldn’t have put me in this situation in the first place.

She further said that because it’s done with no regard to my feelings or safety, every time I “give in” and have sex with him, I’m putting myself at risk of being sucked back into the unhealthy relationship and worse, not knowing that I’ve been sucked back in. She went so far as to say it was tantamount to rape. It’s unfortunately true that he has drugged and raped me previously, but I’m not sure this qualifies. Nevertheless, it still takes the wind out of my sails even to hear that.

As a result of my reaction to this incident, my every-two-week T status has been revoked.

She also called me twice this week, which she has never done. The thing that’s bothering her most is that I don’t see to realize how much I am triggered by him and that I’m dissociating again. And that I’m not angry at him. And that I seem to care too little about my needs/boundaries to say no to him.

*I asked why he was pushing my boundaries at all. If I were in his shoes, I think I’d want to be on my best behavior and not test the other person. She’s met him several times and said, he’s so afraid of being abandoned that he’s trying to do it first. That pushing me out is better than me walking out. I admit I don’t understand that logic, but I’m sure others don’t understand my illogical logic sometimes either.

I have a lot to think and pray about. I truly thank you for helping me!
Bub